tomorrow morning i leave with my church on a missions trip to navajo nation. this has already been a strange trip, just because of the place my heart is in right now...
here it is. my heart. ah...i just feel like i've been going through the motions for a few days. i mean, its been good some of the time, but i know that i could be giving more to God, and i know that God wants more of me. if you read my blog entitled, "desire of ages" you will see what God's really been challenging me with lately - to love him. no, to really love him. not just to religiously follow him, but to be consumed with passion at the name of Jesus. i want to think about him, and to dwell on him, to give him all that i have only to know him just a little more. and that's what his love demands of me.
well, that was the challenge. i've felt this before. and i've failed at it before, falling back into my old, but comfortable ways. its been tough recently. there's excitement right after God teaches you something new, or your life changes just a little bit. but, when it gets hard, or you fail, then its just a lot easier to give in and live like you'd been living before God told you to change. and that's what's happened. i was super excited about it for probably a week or two. then, i lost the feelings. i continued on, but it was tough. i've kept going, and its been hard, but nothing like the beginning, and i know that God wants more of my love. i know i can love him more. i know that i've settled right here. i know that i've failed.
my problem is this. i'm prideful. i don't like admitting that i've made a mistake, even to myself. so, this past week has just been me trying to ignore my failure and press on to know God solely on my own effort. its no fun at all.
tonight i was thinking about my journey through life a little, and how pride and failure have played such a huge role. i have known that my problem has been pride for such a long time. i've prayed and prayed that God would clothe me with humility and give me a right view of myself...and he's definitely changing me. i must be patient in it though. its funny though, because the way he is helping me become more perfect in this area of humility is just long and slow. want to know what God's main method for humbling me is?
personal failure.
and it makes perfect sense, right? if i think i'm really good at something and have got it all together in an area, focusing too much on myself and almost entirely forgetting that God is the one that is actually responsible for the good, God simply removes his hand, and i fail. its perfectly simple, and perfectly wise. the problem is, i don't like to fail. and i don't like to admit that i've failed.
and so, i've failed again. i'm not loving God like his love demands of me. what do i do now? (this is the amazing part, and i just smiled thinking about it). i repent, and run back into forgiving arms of the One who died for me. his love truly is an "unfailing love." ah, i just love how faithful God is! it gives me so much confidence in my God.
this trip has already been difficult, and i haven't even left. but, God is faithful, and he will surely hear our prayers. he will answer in the power that he alone holds in his hands - that power is for all who believe through the mighty working of the Holy Spirit. for from him, and through him, and to him are all things! and that is my prayer for this trip, Lord. its from you - an opportunity to love you back, to get to know you more. its completely through you - its all your power and strength at work in us and through us. and, of course, all the glory always goes to you - may our eyes be firmly fixed upon your love, and let all that surrounds fade rapidly away at the revelation of your glory. amen (so be it).
21 March 2007
12 March 2007
why i can rejoice
man, i have just been going, going, going the past couple of weeks and i'm doing well, but i'm feeling the burden right about now. i have been so busy with things...and yeah, its partially my fault for saying yes to so many people. i don't really know though...
work has been really tough today. i went in to do stuff with steve at 1, but he wasn't there and didn't show up till 2:30. then, we didn't do what we had originally planned to do, so it was kind of a waste of time. then, i came home and did some more work stuff, but it was all discouraging because it seems like nothing is working and that i'm doing a lot of meaningless work. some people who i had thought i'd be able to sell 4 to bailed on me...
the problem is, my heart isn't in this stuff. i know i could never do it for a living. and i want to do my best, but i'm so discouraged. i wish i could just do a job that had me do tasks that were a little easier, you know? and not so time consuming and life consuming. i have other things that are WAY more important that i would rather pour all of myself into.
so, i guess i trust God. he gave me this job in the first place...he can work it out. and if it doesn't work out, what do i have to lose? i just don't want to let steve down, or quit. so, i need some help from God on this one for sure.
besides this, i'm just busy. i've been doing so much...staying up late every night - which i love to do, because its when its quiet and i can just type like this and think about stuff all by myself - the problem is waking up every morning. so that's been a little tough.
but, what is all of this stuff! its so nothing. (i know that sentence doesn't make sense, but if i said it out loud to you, it would). seriously though, my problems are so microscopically small and insignificant. they can't possibly shake the joy that i'm feeling right now.
i mean, come on... God. he's given me "immeasurably more than all i could ask or imagine." and, that's found in Christ. like, ultimate joy, forgiveness, peace...and he takes care of me amazingly. like, no one's better. look at what he's done in my life. he has rescued me entirely from darkness and given me absolute "fullness" in him. look at where he's brought me from. it's just awesome, and indescribable. i wasn't a bad kid, but i was a stuck up, religious, worrysome little guy in middle school with no confidence in myself, worried about my image and what i was appearing as to others. God took the little i could give him and just blew my mind. its crazy that i'm able to say that now because its been relatively such a short time. i can't imagine what the future's going to be like if this is what the past 4 years of my life has been like. but, i can imagine what i'd be like if God didn't rescue me...what a sad, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and worrysome kid i would be if it wasn't for the mercy and grace shown to me through Jesus Christ. what he did for me demands my whole life. and yet, its not a punishment or even really service. its actually amazing to live for God, and its amazing what we receive from God for giving him so little of ourselves. what a privilege it is to be used by him for his kingdom. how unfailing is his perfect love!
and if it just stopped at him and the love he has shown me through the cross, i'd be fine. but no, it doesn't. more than i could ever ask for or imagine, he has blessed me upon this earth.
probably second place to Christ would be addie. (its such a far off second place though...there's no comparison whatsoever. its trash compared to God, but anyways.) she is ridiculously amazing. like, its too good. and its straight from the hand of God and that's why its so good. its because its from him, and to him, and through him, and centered on him, and all about him. we both feel entirely the same way about it, and that is insane. we just started reading the bible together, and its awesome. very unique and maybe a little awkward at first, but it is just way totally cool. probably a month ago (maybe more) i ran out of adjectives to describe how amazing she is and how just crazy good our relationship is. what a blessing. every good and perfect gift truly does come from the Father of heavenly lights.
and it all centers around him - every little thing in life comes back to Christ, whether it be homework, my devotions, addie, my family, my friends, my work, or my every day life. its all about God. i'm going through this process where he's helping me to let go of all these things and trust him with them because he's so much bigger. i mean, come on, if he created these things and gave them to me, don't you think he's got the best idea of how to manage them? and so, i'm learning slowly to surrender more and more control over to him. with every little step of growth, he becomes that much sweeter. i constantly pray that God would make me truly a man after his own heart, that i would want him more, that i would yearn after him, that i would truly be in love with him. i want my whole life to be consumed by the one who created it. i want to be in love wih God. i want to wake up thinking about him, and to fall asleep while meditating on his word. when i live, i want to serve him, not out of obligation or religious duty, but out of love. and if it really is love, then service really isn't service any more. its just love. that's why i'm happy right now.
God is .
(that must be why that's what he calls himself - language is so inadequate in describing his glory)
work has been really tough today. i went in to do stuff with steve at 1, but he wasn't there and didn't show up till 2:30. then, we didn't do what we had originally planned to do, so it was kind of a waste of time. then, i came home and did some more work stuff, but it was all discouraging because it seems like nothing is working and that i'm doing a lot of meaningless work. some people who i had thought i'd be able to sell 4 to bailed on me...
the problem is, my heart isn't in this stuff. i know i could never do it for a living. and i want to do my best, but i'm so discouraged. i wish i could just do a job that had me do tasks that were a little easier, you know? and not so time consuming and life consuming. i have other things that are WAY more important that i would rather pour all of myself into.
so, i guess i trust God. he gave me this job in the first place...he can work it out. and if it doesn't work out, what do i have to lose? i just don't want to let steve down, or quit. so, i need some help from God on this one for sure.
besides this, i'm just busy. i've been doing so much...staying up late every night - which i love to do, because its when its quiet and i can just type like this and think about stuff all by myself - the problem is waking up every morning. so that's been a little tough.
but, what is all of this stuff! its so nothing. (i know that sentence doesn't make sense, but if i said it out loud to you, it would). seriously though, my problems are so microscopically small and insignificant. they can't possibly shake the joy that i'm feeling right now.
i mean, come on... God. he's given me "immeasurably more than all i could ask or imagine." and, that's found in Christ. like, ultimate joy, forgiveness, peace...and he takes care of me amazingly. like, no one's better. look at what he's done in my life. he has rescued me entirely from darkness and given me absolute "fullness" in him. look at where he's brought me from. it's just awesome, and indescribable. i wasn't a bad kid, but i was a stuck up, religious, worrysome little guy in middle school with no confidence in myself, worried about my image and what i was appearing as to others. God took the little i could give him and just blew my mind. its crazy that i'm able to say that now because its been relatively such a short time. i can't imagine what the future's going to be like if this is what the past 4 years of my life has been like. but, i can imagine what i'd be like if God didn't rescue me...what a sad, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and worrysome kid i would be if it wasn't for the mercy and grace shown to me through Jesus Christ. what he did for me demands my whole life. and yet, its not a punishment or even really service. its actually amazing to live for God, and its amazing what we receive from God for giving him so little of ourselves. what a privilege it is to be used by him for his kingdom. how unfailing is his perfect love!
and if it just stopped at him and the love he has shown me through the cross, i'd be fine. but no, it doesn't. more than i could ever ask for or imagine, he has blessed me upon this earth.
probably second place to Christ would be addie. (its such a far off second place though...there's no comparison whatsoever. its trash compared to God, but anyways.) she is ridiculously amazing. like, its too good. and its straight from the hand of God and that's why its so good. its because its from him, and to him, and through him, and centered on him, and all about him. we both feel entirely the same way about it, and that is insane. we just started reading the bible together, and its awesome. very unique and maybe a little awkward at first, but it is just way totally cool. probably a month ago (maybe more) i ran out of adjectives to describe how amazing she is and how just crazy good our relationship is. what a blessing. every good and perfect gift truly does come from the Father of heavenly lights.
and it all centers around him - every little thing in life comes back to Christ, whether it be homework, my devotions, addie, my family, my friends, my work, or my every day life. its all about God. i'm going through this process where he's helping me to let go of all these things and trust him with them because he's so much bigger. i mean, come on, if he created these things and gave them to me, don't you think he's got the best idea of how to manage them? and so, i'm learning slowly to surrender more and more control over to him. with every little step of growth, he becomes that much sweeter. i constantly pray that God would make me truly a man after his own heart, that i would want him more, that i would yearn after him, that i would truly be in love with him. i want my whole life to be consumed by the one who created it. i want to be in love wih God. i want to wake up thinking about him, and to fall asleep while meditating on his word. when i live, i want to serve him, not out of obligation or religious duty, but out of love. and if it really is love, then service really isn't service any more. its just love. that's why i'm happy right now.
God is .
(that must be why that's what he calls himself - language is so inadequate in describing his glory)
04 March 2007
Jesus.
The vision is JESUS – absolutely 100% Jesus. It’s him. Looking at him, being with him, talking to him, thinking about him, showing him, talking about him, crying to him, suffering for him, waiting on him, listening to him, meditating on him, wondering at him, trying to grasp him, bowing to him, glorifying him, following him, drawing close to him, being embraced by him, yearning for him, spending time with him, submitting to him, serving him, obeying him, knowing him, loving him, worshiping him. The vision is a captivating relationship with God made possible only through Jesus Christ, and empowered by the Holy Spirit. To Him be glory both now and forevermore! Amen!
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."
2 peter 1:3-4
"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God."
2 corinthians 1:20
"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
2 corinthians 5:21
"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."
philippians 2:9-11
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