patience

here's my plan. i want to start small in this little blog, and then gradually work out from there. i'm going to start with my life and what's going on in it, and then get to stuff that you might care about. so, don't stop reading if it just seems like i'm rambling, because there is a point -

so - senior year is halfway over. in two months we have spring break, and then after spring break its like things are practically through as far as high school goes. i'm in a strange spot. i'm thinking about the future. i've got college decisions to worry about, scholarships to apply for, etc. and i'm getting pretty excited about that, but at the same time, that's a little ways off. i want to live for the here and now. and yet, it all seems like a waste, because what can i do with the time i have left? its not much, really. and, what am i doing? i went to school for like 4 hours this week and that was it. i don't have a job. my bible study just fell apart. no one comes on saturday mornings. i feel pretty alone, and i don't feel like there's really anything i could be doing that would be useful other than coming to God. i've been telling God, "i'm willing to be used by you - i'll do whatever you want me to do, i just don't know what that looks like."

sometimes i get so sucked into this worldly view that what i do in my service to God has to be something big, or it has to move along quickly with few faults. i want what i do for God to be notable, like a friend of mine coming to Christ, or getting to help someone who is really hurting, or participating in an amazing worship service.

right now, none of that is happening. in fact, it all seems to be just about the opposite. some of my friends appear to be doing pretty poorly, my youth group seems flat at times, and i feel like there's not even anyone that i'm even witnessing to.

i was telling all of this to addie last night, and she's pretty much amazing. its weird, because after i talk with her, things make better sense in my head than before. we both agreed that we don't seem to be doing stuff, and sort of left it at that.

then, today (today! is it random that after all this was sort of worrying me that God would respond like this?! you make the call) God has been doing some pretty cool stuff. it kinda started with an email that i received from this girl at 24-7 prayer (see 24-7prayer.com). they want to do a story about our week of prayer, here in little old salem, oregon. its not like its a huge deal that we're getting a story written about this, because honestly i didn't really feel anything special during our church-wide week of prayer. it was sort of like God saying, "hey, look - you didn't feel like anything special was going on, but i did and that's what matters. it may be small in your eyes, but its big to me."

then, i went on a huge long walk with one of my friends. we've been hanging out pretty much every friday since like november, and i was a little discouraged because things weren't going quite as i had hoped they would (my expectations are kinda high). he said something that wasn't big in itself, but it really opened my eyes. he told me that he was really going for it with God now, that he told God that he's all in and that it didn't matter if he lost friends or whatever - it was worth it to him. and hey, he's not perfect. he doesn't read his bible a whole lot, and he's just started to get back into going to church, but oh how encouraging to me that was!

here's where it begins to get big. there are two points that i want to make. the first one's short. brother lawrence said in his book that it matters not the greatness of the work, but the greatness of the love that motivates that work. how counter-cultural! it doesn't matter how big of a job God gives us to do, but the love that propels that work in the way it is carried out. too often i, and maybe some of you, desire to do great things for God, and then get discouraged when nothing big seems to be happening. this is such a worldly perspective for me to have, and so selfish. of course we should be ambitious, and pray big, but it doesn't matter how great of a work we do. all work that God gives to us is in his grace - it is a priviledge to fight for the kingdom of God. in 2 corinthians God inspires Paul to write that God has "committed to us" this ministry of reconciliation (2 cor 5). its all a gift. so, whatever we do, no matter the size of the work, we must do it with the greatest amount of love possible, because this is what really matters.

secondly: God showed me that i was being used by him in ways that i didn't even recognize because i felt like they were too small. however, these small things add up slowly over time. even though we might only see something big, or even see something God has done, every few months or maybe longer, we must remember that there are little, tedious pieces of work put into that large moment. i remember brian macswan preaching to us - little things invested over a large amount of time reap enormous results. this is true in so many aspects of life - why shouldn't it apply in ministry? when i let God love through me to other people, it may take a while to see that person change...months, years, who knows. maybe God will use some little thing that i did in high school for someone 30 years down the road to convict him of his sin and turn him to God. who knows? PATIENCE in service is key, evne when things seem pointless.

so, this message is for me as well as all of you - don't get discouraged if things don't seem to be happening...whether those things are in your tangible life or in your relationship with God. when things seem pointless, it is easiest to give up...and many do. but we must not give up during the hard times. it is those times of hardship which refine our faith and teach us more than any other time in life. if you don't feel close to God, don't give up spending time with God in prayer and in his word. if don't seem to be growing, don't quit now. if you don't seem to be doing anything for God, don't stop now, don't get discouraged. i'm convinced that these times of trial are the most important times of all. if you will remain faithful to God, he promises to be faithful to you. hebrews 10:23 says, "let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." God has promised to bring this work to completion in our hearts, and to use us for his purposes. we must hold unswervingly to that hope by following hard after him, by seeking him in prayer more than ever, and by being vulnerable before him and other people. God will not, and has never let us down. he has the plan, not us. and, gosh, if he created us, i'm sure he knows the best way to bring us to him, and to use us in the ministry he has committed to us.

the journey

talking with aaron tonight made me want to post this. plus, it has some stuff to do with the new year and all that good stuff. so, here it is. i wrote this at about midnight in a hotel room in germany after basically telling God how i didn't get what he was doing with me. he directed me perfectly to philippians 2:12-13, and these are some of the things he revealed to me that warm summer night in stuttgart...

This past school year has been quite a journey. It has had its ups and its downs, probably more extreme than ever. I have learned what it means to emotionally suffer for Christ, how to be real with God, what it is to really experience a glimpse of God, and a lot more about balance. I have become much wiser, gained more maturity than before. I have grown so much this past year.
And yet, the more I grow, the more I experience Christ, the more he reminds me that I sure do have a long ways to go. My attempt to have a consistently “good” relationship with Christ is boring and unnatural and unrealistic. My relationship with Christ is just that: a relationship. Its going to change, going to have its ups and downs and will probably never perfectly repeat itself. And God isn’t stupid. He understands how to change a life and bring it to holiness. He knows that sometimes its going to be hard, that sometimes us humans will mess up. But that is the great thing about it, and I think where God takes his joy. He loves to see someone that is completely worthless and broken and failing become a world changer through His own power. So, there will be times of hardship or transition or whatever, but hey, God is still in control and he understands.
There will even be times where we don’t seem to be doing anything or are “failing.” Well, these times are normal and happen frequently. Even if people aren’t coming to know Christ through that person, God is still pleased. I think the important thing to God is if there is still desire, or a deep long, or something that is doing its best to follow Him and obey. That’s what makes God happy. God has promised to carry out the work he started in us until the day of completion. Ultimately, he is in control. We have chosen to follow Christ. He’s leading us along the narrow path. At times, we get tired, distracted, or fall down really hard, but Jesus is always right in front of us. When we cry out to Him for help, he never fails to lift us back up again. Sometimes he yanks us up pretty hard. And so, we continue along our journey in life with God. We don’t know the way. That’s his job. And the destination?

HOLINESS!

Therefore my dear friends, as you have always obeyed – not only in my presence but now much more in my absence – continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, FOR IT IS GOD WHO WORKS IN YOU TO WILL AND TO ACT ACCORDING TO HIS GOOD PURPOSE.
Philippians 2:12-13