tonight

its amazing how quickly things in life change. one minute you can be doing amazingly well, have everything going for you, and the next minute you just feel like crap and that things are so frustrating. maybe its a little bit of an exaggeration, but that's how today has been for me. God's been blessing me so very much, and its been awesome and i feel so overwhelmed by his love. today i just had to laugh at God because he was probably laughing at me because i was so happy about some little blessing he gave me during the day. i've been given opportunities to impact other's lives, and its not like i do anything...they just sort of drop in my lap. its amazing how it works. it never seems like i do anything, but it always is so awesome because of that. i know its all God and he's choosing to used a messed up guy like me to impact others.

oh how quickly things seem to change. and its not that God has changed, its just circumstances. i was on my way to hang out with some friends, and i just was praying that God would keep me in this place of nothingness and empty-handedness, because that is where i fit, and where God wants me. i prayed to be made weak, and i prayed that God would do whatever he wanted in my life to draw me closer to him. so to summarize, tonight has been extremely frustrating. i feel so bad, and ah, i don't even know. like i've said before relationships can be so difficult. and they should be because we should have to work at something that is valuable, and since they are probably the most valuable thing upon this earth, then they should hurt from time to time.

although i'm down and angry (sorry i won't go into specifics), you've always gotta end with hope, because hope does not disappoint, and there is always hope. that hope is always found in Christ. none of these things matter. changing circumstances don't matter, they're just a tool that God is using to refine me and to bring me into a more intimate love relationship with him, which is "surpassing"ly greater than anything else imaginable.

so, my rant ends with this message of hope found in two places in the Word. first of all, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - romans 8:28. this is a fairly familiar passage that has huge implications. that means that what happened today in my life, both good and bad, was for my good. well, the question then becomes, "what is 'good?'" well, in james we read that every good and perfect gift comes from God. and the ultimate "good" would be that perfect relationship with Jesus Christ. so, we could then say that everything works out within God's plan to bring me closer to him so that i may experience more joy and more blessing. so, that's that. God's in control, and he will do whatever it takes to bring me deeper into him. i love him.

secondly, i read this passage again today with a friend. in hebrews 10:23, we read, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. " and so, i must hold firm to the hope that i have, which is that God is in control and is working everything out for my good. why? because God is SO FAITHFUL!

Oh God, You are an amazing God. You have given me more than I ever could have dreamed or imagined. You saved me from death and judgment, and then You've given me infinite joy. How could I ever be depressed. But, somehow, the circumstances of life seem to get to me, and I forget about You. I'm so sorry God that I can't give You what Your gifts and glory demands. Thanks for taking me as I am. Help me to live a life worthy of the calling that You've given me. Help me to have the right attitude in the midst of difficulty. Help me to praise You and to seek You no matter what the circumstances. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

soccer season in review

today was the end of our playoff run, and a 3 month chunk of my life. we lost to mcminnville today in overtime. we had the game, and we let it slip away from us. there's a lot of reasons for this happening, and so there's a lot of "what if" situations, but the fact is we're done. my reaction to this was surprising to myself. i wasn't nearly as disappointed as i expected to be. see, i play with emotion, and i get upset after many games in which i don't play good or we lose. but, today was different. i was a little disappointed, but more than that I was proud. i was proud of our accomplishments as a team. we made it further than any other saxon team in the 28 years soccer has been a school sport. our coach called us the best team south has ever had, and at the end of today's game he said that we were the best seniors that he's ever had, which is quite an honor. i got first team all league, played nearly every minute, and was given the privilege of captaining the greatest team south's ever had. and, to top it all off...this all happened in my senior year. what a great way to end my career...

but, more than all the honors, the trophies, the hype, and the fans, the greatest joy that i've found in this season has been what God has done through it. he's just been amazing. from the very beginning it was all about him. i've been struggling with injuries for the past year, and so this season wasn't too high on the priority list. i just wanted it to be a tool for God to use. he seriously gave me the talent that i have, and so i wanted to give it back to him. so, i did. its been quite a journey, and its had its bumps, its high and low points, but in retrospect, i am so proud. i've had amazing chances to both show and share the love of Christ with my teammates and my coaches. i resolved to play all for God's glory, especially during the playoffs. it has all been a gift. i wanted to make God proud by the way that i played, and i believe he is pleased. its been an awesome season...

relationships

relationships can be so amazing at times. they're really what we live for, and what its all about. and yet, sometimes relationships can be so difficult. i'm not just talking about dating relationships or relationships with the opposite sex. i'm talking about interaction with other human beings. friendships...

some people can seem to make so much sense for such a long time, and then there comes a random point where they don't. they don't make any sense at all. they do something that is totally irrational in your perspective. conflict...it really really blows.

right now i feel like i'm in the midst of a lot of conflict in my relationships. i feel so confused and just lost. tonight i sat on my bed for like an hour trying to figure out what happened earlier. i still don't get it. i feel so alone. there's hardly anyone who really pursues me and takes the time to know me. it is frustrating.

yet, within the midst of all these emotions and conflict and badness, there is one thing that sticks out...one relationship that will never fail me.

someone wrote this to me last february, and i feel like it really speaks to the time that i'm in right now -

"earlier you said that you would be willing to give anything to God to get to that deeper level with Him, and maybe this is it. maybe His plan is for you to completely, in all ways, depend on Him, and not on the people around you, to find your joy, strength, peace, and satisfaction."

with the apparent silence and dryness that has been in my relationship with God lately, it is easy for me to look for that satisfaction through other relationships. of course that's stupid of me, but its natural. i guess i just have to keep pressing on to know Christ, remembering that everything else, when compared to the surpassing greatness of my relationship with Christ Jesus, is TRASH! hate to break it to you, but whoever you are reading this, the relationship i have to you is rubbish when compared to my relationship with God. when compared to that relationship, Jesus said that all of our other loves should be as hatred.

so, i guess all i can do is to keep my vision narrowly focused upon the face of the one who loves me more than anyone else on this world could ever dream of. it'll be worth it