christmas eve...

this past week has been a pretty tough one...dealing with a lot of confusion and feeling really out of control (which i am). there is just so much uncertainty to life, you know? like, at one point you feel you've got everything going for you and things are perfectly in line...and its exactly what God wants too. then, things get mixed up. you're totally out of control and don't know what is going to happen next. the way you saw things happening has just been thrown out the window and now there's something new, completely uncertain, and entirely confusing. that is my situation...vaguely.

i have spent the past few days wrestling with my thoughts and trying to let go of my plan. there's this internal struggle going on where i know that God has a plan, but i so want my way. it seems so much better right now, you know? it always does. but, it also always comes down to trust, just like any relationship. except in this one God demands a lot more, and our trust is well placed in him. so, he's telling me to trust him with this one...more than ever before. there's so much uncertainty surrounding it though. there's potential for disaster in this...and God's saying to do it his way?! well, what other choice do i have? and its the best one...its just so hard to do.


i haven't really gotten into the christmas spirit until tonight. this week i've been studying, and God has been revealing to me how his plan has always been Christ. and this holiday, at the core, is to celebrate Christ's coming. and if we think about it that way, its to celebrate God's love, our salvation, and Christ's sacrifice. so, tonight i was playing the piano for a while. i started of singing, "there is nothing like your love" - a song by united, but that's the only part i really know so i sang that over and over again. then i played "lord you have my heart"...classic. and then, this is where it really started to hit me. i played "the nails in your hands"...another classic. but, ah, the words are so powerful...and really so fitting for a night like tonight. let me show them to you:

"the nails in Your hands, the nails in Your feet, they tell me how much you love me.
the thorns on your brow, they tell me how you bore so much shame to love me.
and when the heavens pass away, all your scars will still remain. and forever they will say how much you love me. and all i want to say:
forever my love, forever my heart, forever my life is yours."

an old, familiar song, but the words are so powerful. its all about Christ's love - how he came down to earth, born to die. he had one mission - to save the world from their sin. he loved us that much. he humbled himself to be killed by his own creation so that those that killed him might receive life. and those thorns, those scars, the nail marks...they will forever remind us all of Christ's unfathomable love. the love that Christ gave demands our entire life - and all of our trust. who better to put all of your trust in than the one that has already given you everything! (2 peter 1:3).

after playing that song, i continued to play my favorite christmas song, and one of the few i like: "o come let us adore him." isn't it weird that our God came as a baby!? like, just think about it. God, the glorious, majestic creator of the universe, the one that we cannot possibly explain or understand, sent Christ as a baby. it would be weird for us as humans to bow down to any baby, because they don't know anything yet and aren't leaders of any kind. but then, to think that baby could be the savior of the world, the lover of our hearts. how strange, but awe-some.

Christ deserves all the praise, and we need to give it to him. Come, let us adore the king, come as a baby, born to save us from sin and call us into the glorious light. let us adore the one who loves us with an unfailing love. let us adore the one who will never leave us nor forsake us. let us adore the one from whom we have received every spiritual blessing. Come let us adore Christ the LORD!

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death -
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."

philippians 2:5-11

worry

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the filed grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-matthew 6:25-34

yesterday as i was praying, i realized that i've been doing a lot of worrying lately. this, of course, has been brought on by circumstances, and all seem to be interrealated in some fashion. i haven't been doing too much since soccer has been over. my original intention was to get a job and start working to support myself. i hate asking my parents for money...i would rather earn it. so, i applied for a job. i've been waiting to see if i'd get it, and i got a call last week letting me know that they weren't hiring. also, with all the time that i've had since i don't do anything anymore, i've started to really work on some college stuff, which has got me thinking about the future. first of all, i have no clue where i'm supposed to go to college. i wish i could just know right now, but i don't, and so i wait on God. as i have been looking into college, i've been thinking about what i'll be doing after college. i feel like i have been called to ministry. however, i don't have any clue what that looks like. that worries me, because there is absolutely no security in it. and then, finally, there's the issue of females, which i won't go into. maybe if you ask me later i'll tell you about that...

anyway, i read this passage last night. i just love verse 33..."but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." although it is difficult to wait on God and to have faith, he makes an amazing promise to us here. Jesus says that he knows what we need, and he's big enough to give it to us. all he says for us to do is to seek after "his kingdom and his righteousness." that's huge! Jesus is essentially saying, "Hey, you, follow me and i'll give you everything you could possibly need...and then some." this reminds me of what peter writes in his second letter: "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" (2 peter 1:3). God's given us everything we could possibly need, both for life and for godliness, and all we're called to do is to know him. basically God has offered us everything in Christ, and all we have do do is accept it and trust Him. colossians 2:10 says, "and you have been given fullness in Christ..."

if God is who he says he is, then we've got absolutely nothing to worry about. all he's trying to do is develop our character so that we can better give him the glory that His glory demands of us. in my situation, he is simply increasing my faith. if i really do want to give God the glory that He deserves, then I must have more and more faith, because hebrews 11:6 says that it is impossible to please God without faith. so, i must wait on Christ in faith. he's made me huge promises, and all i have to do is continually rely on him to bring those about.

and to think that i could do a better job on my own...

God, I'm sorry for trying to take things into my own hands too often. Thank you so much for the promises that you have made me in your word. I pray that you would increase my faith so that I might more heavily rely on you, the source of life, for my life. Do as you please to bring me to where you want me to be. You deserve all of me, and I pray that you would take all of me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

only a beggar

i can't believe what patience God has for me. he's given me everything already, and yet i have this terrible tendency to wander from him to other things, even unconsciously. i just can't cut it. i can't do it. i can't live up to what God has called me to. its frustrating...and yet it is so perfect, because God receives more glory from it. he takes joy in picking me up after i fall. he loves to work through the broken tool that i am so that he might receive more glory and more joy. i'm so destitute and broken. i'm a beggar, and yet i'm treated like a son of the King. i am so far out of control. it is all God, and my life rests in his hands. i can't do anything but ask him to take me, because only he has the power to change my heart.

awake my soul! sing to your Savior and your King! lift your gaze from the things of this world and turn it upwards to the God of Light and of surpassing Glory. O praise Him, my soul!

take me, Lord. it is all you. i'm recklessly abandoned to your. help me to let go of my life, to die to myself and follow you no matter the cost.