God sometimes has some very strange answers to prayer. i think this week has been one of those.
i have been super busy for probably a month or so, barely making it by after doing teachings, homework, meeting with people, and (this last weekend) a church camp. everything has been great, but i've come to places where i have been absolutely on empty - completely drained and energy-less. in my prayers i have told God about how exhausted i've been. i remember just sort of a passing comment i made to him...that it would be nice to have just one week off. well...i think he answered that prayer this week.
after an incredible weekend at high school camp, i came home on monday feeling absolutely horrendous. i took a shower and climbed into bed. i got up briefly that night, but stayed in bed til the next night at 5:30. since then i've been laying in bed for 80 or 90% of this week...ridiculous. the most frustrating part about it is that i can't focus. whenever i try to read, do homework, talk...pretty much anything i try to do other than sleeping...i get super tired. tonight is the first night all week that i've had enough energy to walk down to get dinner for myself. its the first day that i was able to read my bible for more than 5 minutes. it was the first day that i've been able to have something that resembles conversation in one week...
i have been so frustrated because i haven't been able to get anything done..at all. i've been feeling like this week has been a complete waste. i could at least have read or finished some homework or something, but no...i have simply taken up space. i'm kind of a really driven guy, so sitting around and not getting anything accomplished might be ok for my friend carter (who i can't make fun of in person because he's being savage in new zealand), but it has been really hard for me.
as i've been laying in bed and thinking, God hasn't really spoken to me in any super clear way, but i think there is one thing that i can take away from this week of nothingness. God doesn't want me to have a list of things i need to accomplish for him every day. i don't need to get a certain amount of things done, because if i'm honest i have not once finished all of the things i wanted to get to on my list. but, that's life. its meant to be random. its meant to be interrupted and lived, not planned out and robot-like. God wants me to simply "be" with him, even if that means laying in his arms for a whole week, not saying anything really all that special to him, but just being with him. that's what i've done this week. i haven't prayed a lot, and i haven't read a lot, but God's with me and i'm with him. that's what makes this week good.
peter came into my room and said that there's no such thing as a wasted day. this is true. life's an adventure and every day is another chance to write another page in the story...
wow, i made it through typing and i don't feel like i have to lay in bed for another two hours to regain my energy:)
21 February 2008
12 February 2008
29 January 2008
discouragement and lonliness
i seem to only write on this after my friends die...
i found out yesterday that a guy who i wasn't extremely close with, but close enough to have his phone number in my phone, passed away on friday. he was 22. tonight we had credo, and it was good...doug talked a lot about him, and it was good. i don't know though...i feel very empty right now. i mean, i don't feel like geoff's death is affecting me nearly as much as alex's did...over the past 6 months, geoff's life did a 180 because of Jesus. i know i'll see him soon. alex, on the other hand, is a different story. there's a lot more hope this time. it's still hard though...
credo is a funny place. i love doug, and i love rocky...the messages are always challenging, and the music is great. tonight was a great time to come and worship the lord and be challenged. afterward credo ends, its a different story. i don't know people. i stuck around to try to talk to people, but it just wasn't much deeper than surface level. i feel very empty right now, and i just wanted to be renewed by the spirit of God and some deep conversation. God definitely came, and now i'm alone. i dunno...maybe this is his will. maybe this is where he wants me right now...alone in my room thinking about him, alone so that i can't rely on anyone else but him, alone to test, try, and mature me. i feel alone. i had a feeling it would come this semester...it isn't fun.
so many nights i will come home discouraged, open up my email or my facebook, hoping to get a message from a friend. its those nights when i feel i need it most that the message from my friend isn't ever there. god, is that you? do you want me alone like this? feeling discouraged and down...alone? do you want me like this? i think you do, and i'm thankful for it, but i don't like it.
k, here's why i'm discouraged tonight. this is what's going through my head - doug talked about greatness once again, and i want to press on to greatness. i want that so bad. i want to be what God wants me to be. right now, i feel like a failure. i'm trying to think of what's going on in my life right now, and i see mediocrity and failure. i see myself trying to do things and failing. i see my weakness. i see a life i don't feel like God can use. my shortcomings are pressing in around me, and i know they are blocking my vision of the the grace God has given to me...but they make me question if his grace is really upon me. in his word God talks of his people doing incredible things by faith...signs and wonders, quenching the fury of the flaim, miracles, closing the mouths of lions, spreading the gospel...where is that in my life? am i just being impatient? is it in my future? ah...i don't know. i have been trying to be disciplined...more disciplined than ever. i have been trying to be humble. i have been trying to accept that God has me where i'm at for a reason. i've even been trying to not try...if that makes sense. i know God is in control...i guess i am just being impatient. but i want him. i want him so badly...so badly that the things of this world don't satisfy.
"so then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him." - colossians 2:6
i found out yesterday that a guy who i wasn't extremely close with, but close enough to have his phone number in my phone, passed away on friday. he was 22. tonight we had credo, and it was good...doug talked a lot about him, and it was good. i don't know though...i feel very empty right now. i mean, i don't feel like geoff's death is affecting me nearly as much as alex's did...over the past 6 months, geoff's life did a 180 because of Jesus. i know i'll see him soon. alex, on the other hand, is a different story. there's a lot more hope this time. it's still hard though...
credo is a funny place. i love doug, and i love rocky...the messages are always challenging, and the music is great. tonight was a great time to come and worship the lord and be challenged. afterward credo ends, its a different story. i don't know people. i stuck around to try to talk to people, but it just wasn't much deeper than surface level. i feel very empty right now, and i just wanted to be renewed by the spirit of God and some deep conversation. God definitely came, and now i'm alone. i dunno...maybe this is his will. maybe this is where he wants me right now...alone in my room thinking about him, alone so that i can't rely on anyone else but him, alone to test, try, and mature me. i feel alone. i had a feeling it would come this semester...it isn't fun.
so many nights i will come home discouraged, open up my email or my facebook, hoping to get a message from a friend. its those nights when i feel i need it most that the message from my friend isn't ever there. god, is that you? do you want me alone like this? feeling discouraged and down...alone? do you want me like this? i think you do, and i'm thankful for it, but i don't like it.
k, here's why i'm discouraged tonight. this is what's going through my head - doug talked about greatness once again, and i want to press on to greatness. i want that so bad. i want to be what God wants me to be. right now, i feel like a failure. i'm trying to think of what's going on in my life right now, and i see mediocrity and failure. i see myself trying to do things and failing. i see my weakness. i see a life i don't feel like God can use. my shortcomings are pressing in around me, and i know they are blocking my vision of the the grace God has given to me...but they make me question if his grace is really upon me. in his word God talks of his people doing incredible things by faith...signs and wonders, quenching the fury of the flaim, miracles, closing the mouths of lions, spreading the gospel...where is that in my life? am i just being impatient? is it in my future? ah...i don't know. i have been trying to be disciplined...more disciplined than ever. i have been trying to be humble. i have been trying to accept that God has me where i'm at for a reason. i've even been trying to not try...if that makes sense. i know God is in control...i guess i am just being impatient. but i want him. i want him so badly...so badly that the things of this world don't satisfy.
"so then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him." - colossians 2:6
22 November 2007
victory
happy thanksgiving...
this morning i woke up to a text message saying that one of my old teammates died in a car crash last night.
this life that i live is so fragile. i drove to portland today to be with my family. i couldn't help but have on my mind how easy it would be to get hit by a car and die. that would be the end. i'm not entitled to a long life, or to even make it past graduating college. i could die at any moment, really.
has my life, then, been worth living so far? am i making the most of the moments i have right now, or am i waiting until i graduate from college to really go after it and start living the fullest life? would i be satisfied with my life if it ended now? would God say to me, "well done," or would i weep at all of the opportunities i missed because i was wasting my time here on earth?
as i saw my family (my extended family is "religious" but many of them don't know God), i thought of how they could easily pass away too without even knowing God. i didn't do anything today, though...i wasted today away. sure, i read and prayed today...but did i do anything about it? did i love as God commanded me to love? did i neglect my gift? did i hoard the grace of Christ in order to simply be comfortable?
things have been getting harder for me. i knew it would come when i began to step out and make war with the enemy through this "change the world campaign." things with addie have been hard, and i've been really selfish about it. i have felt my weakness. i've been sidetracked by shame. i've felt isolated and alone. i've felt like i've let people down. i dunno...things are much harder than they were just a few weeks ago.
as i type this and think about how difficult things are getting and the cost of stepping out for jesus, there is a part of me that simply doesn't care about all the junk that's happening lately. why don't i care? its because i am tired of leading a "status quo" christian life. i'd rather taste defeat than live in mediocrity. i'd rather push my body and my spirit beyond breaking than simply sit comfortably in stagnant normality. i want to live a life of greatness. i want to be one of those heroes of the faith - not because of some sort of special quality about me, but because i simply stepped out in faith and God propelled me into greatness. 1 john 5:4 says, "This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." the victory has been assured if only i would step out in faith.
for whatever reason, great suffering always seems to accompany great action...
Lord, give me the focus and the drive that you had as you entered the Garden of Gethsemane. You endured great suffering for the joy set before you. Your focus was narrow and true. Your hope was in our Great Father. You are my example. Help me to suffer as you suffered, and help me to not fall away on account of that suffering. Give me hope daily. Be nearer still.
amen.
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
this morning i woke up to a text message saying that one of my old teammates died in a car crash last night.
this life that i live is so fragile. i drove to portland today to be with my family. i couldn't help but have on my mind how easy it would be to get hit by a car and die. that would be the end. i'm not entitled to a long life, or to even make it past graduating college. i could die at any moment, really.
has my life, then, been worth living so far? am i making the most of the moments i have right now, or am i waiting until i graduate from college to really go after it and start living the fullest life? would i be satisfied with my life if it ended now? would God say to me, "well done," or would i weep at all of the opportunities i missed because i was wasting my time here on earth?
as i saw my family (my extended family is "religious" but many of them don't know God), i thought of how they could easily pass away too without even knowing God. i didn't do anything today, though...i wasted today away. sure, i read and prayed today...but did i do anything about it? did i love as God commanded me to love? did i neglect my gift? did i hoard the grace of Christ in order to simply be comfortable?
things have been getting harder for me. i knew it would come when i began to step out and make war with the enemy through this "change the world campaign." things with addie have been hard, and i've been really selfish about it. i have felt my weakness. i've been sidetracked by shame. i've felt isolated and alone. i've felt like i've let people down. i dunno...things are much harder than they were just a few weeks ago.
as i type this and think about how difficult things are getting and the cost of stepping out for jesus, there is a part of me that simply doesn't care about all the junk that's happening lately. why don't i care? its because i am tired of leading a "status quo" christian life. i'd rather taste defeat than live in mediocrity. i'd rather push my body and my spirit beyond breaking than simply sit comfortably in stagnant normality. i want to live a life of greatness. i want to be one of those heroes of the faith - not because of some sort of special quality about me, but because i simply stepped out in faith and God propelled me into greatness. 1 john 5:4 says, "This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." the victory has been assured if only i would step out in faith.
for whatever reason, great suffering always seems to accompany great action...
Lord, give me the focus and the drive that you had as you entered the Garden of Gethsemane. You endured great suffering for the joy set before you. Your focus was narrow and true. Your hope was in our Great Father. You are my example. Help me to suffer as you suffered, and help me to not fall away on account of that suffering. Give me hope daily. Be nearer still.
amen.
"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
01 November 2007
decisions that define us
so...this is something that carter showed me, and the more i read it, the more it sinks in as something that i want to be a part of...
"Decisions that Define Us"
David B. Crone
We have decided that teaching the gospel without demonstrating the gospel is not enough. Good preaching, good doctrine, being good people, it’s not enough.
We have decided that having a good church club is not enough. Good fellowship; it’s not enough. Just being a member of that club is not enough.
We have decided that having good bible studies is good but not good enough. That just making it to heaven is not our goal, and that knowing about God without truly knowing and experiencing God is meaningless.
We’ve decided that having good programs is not enough. That change without transformation is intolerable, and that staying the same is not an option. We’ve decided that gifting without character is futile.
We have decided that singing songs without worshipping is hollow and having meetings without God showing up is pointless.
We have decided that having faith without works is not enough and having works without love is not acceptable. That our function comes out of our relationship: first with the Father, and second with each other.
We have decided that reading about the book of Acts without living the book of Acts is unthinkable.
We have decided that confident faith is good: bold faith is better.
We’ve decided that hearing about the Holy Spirit without experiencing Him is silly. That believing in His presence without seeing it manifested in signs and wonders is hypocrisy. That believing in healing without seeing people healed is absurd. That believing in deliverance without people being delivered is absolutely ridiculous.
We’ve decided to be Holy Spirit filled, Holy Spirit led, and Holy Spirit empowered, anything less doesn’t work for us.
We have decided to be the ones telling the stories of God’s power, not the ones hearing about them.
We have decided that living saved but not supernatural is living below our privilege and short of what Christ died for.
We have decided that we are a battleship and not a cruise ship. An army not an audience. Special forces, not spectators. Missionaries, not club members.
We have decided to value both pioneers and settlers. Pioneers to expand our territory, and settlers to build on those territories, but we are not squatters: people who take up space others have fought for without improving it.
We have decided to be infectious instead of inocuous. Contagious instead of quarantined. Deadly instead of benign. We have decided to be radical lovers and outrageous givers.
We have decided that we are a mission stations and not a museum.
Therefore, we honor the past, but we don’t live in it. We live in the present with our eyes on the future. We see past events, successes, and failures as stepping stones, not stop signs. We pursue learning in order to be transformed, not learning in order to know. We are people of engagement, not observation. We focus on what could be, not on what is or has been. We are not limited to the four walls of this building, our influence is not restricted by location. Not even the nations are out of bounds. We are more concered about how many we send out into the world than how many we convince to come into the building. This building is meant to be filled and it will be, but it will not be the measure of who we are or the measure of our effectiveness. We raise up world changers, not tour guides. We train up commandos, not commiters. We are a people of our destiny, not our history.
We have decided that it is better to fail while reaching for the impossible that God has planned for us than to succeed in settling for less.
We have decided that nothing short of His Kingdom come and His will be done in our world as it is in heaven will satisfy. We have decided that we will not be satisfied until our world freaks out and cries out, “Those that have turned the world upside-down have come here too!”
These are some of the decisions that define who we are as a community and how we live our lives. These decisions are not destinations, but rather journeys. Journeys along an ancient path. We’ve not found some new way. But rather rediscovered the path as old as Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The same path followed by Moses, Joshua and Caleb, Paul, John, and Peter. The path followed by the 1st century church, a church that revolutionized the culture of the 1st century and beyond. It’s a path that will impact the world today. It’s a path of bold faith. Believing that what God says is really true and acting on it. It’s a path of outragous generosity, giving our life away to demonstrate His kingdom. It’s a path of radical love: loving God with everything in us and loving our neighbor as ourselves. It’s a path of liberty, freedom, and healing. On this path you will find significance, purpose, and destiny. It’s a path less-travelled, however. It’s not a path only available to a select few, but to whosoever will may come. It’s for people of every nation, tribe and tongue, for those in any occupation or vocation. No matter where you are in your life journey, there’s room on this path for you.
"Decisions that Define Us"
David B. Crone
We have decided that teaching the gospel without demonstrating the gospel is not enough. Good preaching, good doctrine, being good people, it’s not enough.
We have decided that having a good church club is not enough. Good fellowship; it’s not enough. Just being a member of that club is not enough.
We have decided that having good bible studies is good but not good enough. That just making it to heaven is not our goal, and that knowing about God without truly knowing and experiencing God is meaningless.
We’ve decided that having good programs is not enough. That change without transformation is intolerable, and that staying the same is not an option. We’ve decided that gifting without character is futile.
We have decided that singing songs without worshipping is hollow and having meetings without God showing up is pointless.
We have decided that having faith without works is not enough and having works without love is not acceptable. That our function comes out of our relationship: first with the Father, and second with each other.
We have decided that reading about the book of Acts without living the book of Acts is unthinkable.
We have decided that confident faith is good: bold faith is better.
We’ve decided that hearing about the Holy Spirit without experiencing Him is silly. That believing in His presence without seeing it manifested in signs and wonders is hypocrisy. That believing in healing without seeing people healed is absurd. That believing in deliverance without people being delivered is absolutely ridiculous.
We’ve decided to be Holy Spirit filled, Holy Spirit led, and Holy Spirit empowered, anything less doesn’t work for us.
We have decided to be the ones telling the stories of God’s power, not the ones hearing about them.
We have decided that living saved but not supernatural is living below our privilege and short of what Christ died for.
We have decided that we are a battleship and not a cruise ship. An army not an audience. Special forces, not spectators. Missionaries, not club members.
We have decided to value both pioneers and settlers. Pioneers to expand our territory, and settlers to build on those territories, but we are not squatters: people who take up space others have fought for without improving it.
We have decided to be infectious instead of inocuous. Contagious instead of quarantined. Deadly instead of benign. We have decided to be radical lovers and outrageous givers.
We have decided that we are a mission stations and not a museum.
Therefore, we honor the past, but we don’t live in it. We live in the present with our eyes on the future. We see past events, successes, and failures as stepping stones, not stop signs. We pursue learning in order to be transformed, not learning in order to know. We are people of engagement, not observation. We focus on what could be, not on what is or has been. We are not limited to the four walls of this building, our influence is not restricted by location. Not even the nations are out of bounds. We are more concered about how many we send out into the world than how many we convince to come into the building. This building is meant to be filled and it will be, but it will not be the measure of who we are or the measure of our effectiveness. We raise up world changers, not tour guides. We train up commandos, not commiters. We are a people of our destiny, not our history.
We have decided that it is better to fail while reaching for the impossible that God has planned for us than to succeed in settling for less.
We have decided that nothing short of His Kingdom come and His will be done in our world as it is in heaven will satisfy. We have decided that we will not be satisfied until our world freaks out and cries out, “Those that have turned the world upside-down have come here too!”
These are some of the decisions that define who we are as a community and how we live our lives. These decisions are not destinations, but rather journeys. Journeys along an ancient path. We’ve not found some new way. But rather rediscovered the path as old as Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The same path followed by Moses, Joshua and Caleb, Paul, John, and Peter. The path followed by the 1st century church, a church that revolutionized the culture of the 1st century and beyond. It’s a path that will impact the world today. It’s a path of bold faith. Believing that what God says is really true and acting on it. It’s a path of outragous generosity, giving our life away to demonstrate His kingdom. It’s a path of radical love: loving God with everything in us and loving our neighbor as ourselves. It’s a path of liberty, freedom, and healing. On this path you will find significance, purpose, and destiny. It’s a path less-travelled, however. It’s not a path only available to a select few, but to whosoever will may come. It’s for people of every nation, tribe and tongue, for those in any occupation or vocation. No matter where you are in your life journey, there’s room on this path for you.
10 October 2007
current struggles...
in many ways, i feel as if i am going backward in my faith. i am struggling on a regular basis with purity, which i haven't struggled with since sophomore year of high school. i am not spending very much time with the Lord, mostly because of how busy i am. i haven't not been in the word this much probably in 2 or 3 years. and, i am surrounded by things that remind me of my old, legalistic life. i don't know who to believe or what to do. i have questions about everything. recently, things have been going better, but this week has been hard. i don't exactly know why...but, today was a very hard day. i am sick of trying to have a good attitude about things. i have been way too busy. i have no time to do anything that i want, really. things have been better, yes...but they still aren't great. tonight i have been so frustrated with how things are going that at the moment i really just don't care. i'm so tired. i'm so worn out. i'm sick. i feel terrible. i am confused...i just don't care.
tonight at credo, doug talked about these two things...that we are to let go of the sin that we wrestle with and grab on to the good works that god's prepared for us to do. the way he talks is so much different than anyone else i have ever heard. it makes sense, and i totally agree with him, but why don't other people see the word the way he sees it? have we all missed the truth? have i been fed lies for my entire life, talking about legalism, guilt, and consequence? or is doug wrong, too liberal and too emphatic about God's love and mercy? who is right? is anyone right? am i just misunderstanding?
the questions that have been plaguing me over the past month have been silent this week. now they are back...at least some of them. God is answering though. he is faithful, and i see his hand moving in many ways. its just hard to watch myself struggle with lessons and concepts i thought i had learned in years previous...
Lord, thanks for Jesus. I identify with him at the cross and praise you for the mercy that you have shown. there's nothing i can offer to make up for my sin. restore me quickly, Lord. rid me of this apathetic emotional state i seem to be in. teach me to follow closely after you. pick me up. dust me off. hold my hand. i want to be with you. that's it. wipe the tears from my eyes and let me know the fullness of your love in this moment. help me to continue on, and to become more holy as each day goes on. i need you. i rely on you. in my brokenness here tonight i long for you and the complete satisfaction that you bring with your embrace. oh how i love you...teach me to love you more. whatever the cost, whatever the pain, whatever the loss, i count it all as trash compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing you, my savior and my king.
amen.
tonight at credo, doug talked about these two things...that we are to let go of the sin that we wrestle with and grab on to the good works that god's prepared for us to do. the way he talks is so much different than anyone else i have ever heard. it makes sense, and i totally agree with him, but why don't other people see the word the way he sees it? have we all missed the truth? have i been fed lies for my entire life, talking about legalism, guilt, and consequence? or is doug wrong, too liberal and too emphatic about God's love and mercy? who is right? is anyone right? am i just misunderstanding?
the questions that have been plaguing me over the past month have been silent this week. now they are back...at least some of them. God is answering though. he is faithful, and i see his hand moving in many ways. its just hard to watch myself struggle with lessons and concepts i thought i had learned in years previous...
Lord, thanks for Jesus. I identify with him at the cross and praise you for the mercy that you have shown. there's nothing i can offer to make up for my sin. restore me quickly, Lord. rid me of this apathetic emotional state i seem to be in. teach me to follow closely after you. pick me up. dust me off. hold my hand. i want to be with you. that's it. wipe the tears from my eyes and let me know the fullness of your love in this moment. help me to continue on, and to become more holy as each day goes on. i need you. i rely on you. in my brokenness here tonight i long for you and the complete satisfaction that you bring with your embrace. oh how i love you...teach me to love you more. whatever the cost, whatever the pain, whatever the loss, i count it all as trash compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing you, my savior and my king.
amen.
16 September 2007
the unchanging one
what a glorious hope we have in the nature of our unchanging God!
everything around me is changing. all that once was so familiar is now unsure and unstable. college has changed everything. either my friends have moved away from me, or i have moved away from my friends. college is different than high school. i don't like it. all of my relationships are different. my relationship with God has had to change because of how busy i am (the way i spend my time with him). my relationship with addie has changed. my relationships with all my close friends have changed. i have new relationships with new people. my relationship with my family has changed. church is changing. ah....in this moment i long for something that won't change! it is really hard. all the things i can see, feel, and touch are different. everything. i don't like it at all.
isn't that like all of us, though? we want something to remain constant in life. its just in this moment that this truth is becoming more apparent to me. what else is there to put my trust in than the promises of my Lord? he is what my heart longs for, and he is the purpose behind every one of these other relationships. ah, my heart pants for Him as i write this! it burns with an intense longing to no longer see in part, but grasp the love of my King in its fullest. I want him oh so bad! and yet, as the things of this world cause me pain and uncomfortability, God is doing this exact work in my heart. he's bringing me toward sanctification. he's revealing to me the "fullness of Christ." he wants me, and i want him.
Lord, it is hard to trust you right now when all that once was certain is falling down. i can't see you, but i know you're in control. i don't understand the purpose behind all of this, but i have faith in you. i know that you're doing all of this with a perfect purpose. give me more faith so that i can rest in your promise. through these hardships burn away my desire for all that is not of you. i need you God. set my heart at rest in your presence. in Jesus' name,
amen.
everything around me is changing. all that once was so familiar is now unsure and unstable. college has changed everything. either my friends have moved away from me, or i have moved away from my friends. college is different than high school. i don't like it. all of my relationships are different. my relationship with God has had to change because of how busy i am (the way i spend my time with him). my relationship with addie has changed. my relationships with all my close friends have changed. i have new relationships with new people. my relationship with my family has changed. church is changing. ah....in this moment i long for something that won't change! it is really hard. all the things i can see, feel, and touch are different. everything. i don't like it at all.
isn't that like all of us, though? we want something to remain constant in life. its just in this moment that this truth is becoming more apparent to me. what else is there to put my trust in than the promises of my Lord? he is what my heart longs for, and he is the purpose behind every one of these other relationships. ah, my heart pants for Him as i write this! it burns with an intense longing to no longer see in part, but grasp the love of my King in its fullest. I want him oh so bad! and yet, as the things of this world cause me pain and uncomfortability, God is doing this exact work in my heart. he's bringing me toward sanctification. he's revealing to me the "fullness of Christ." he wants me, and i want him.
Lord, it is hard to trust you right now when all that once was certain is falling down. i can't see you, but i know you're in control. i don't understand the purpose behind all of this, but i have faith in you. i know that you're doing all of this with a perfect purpose. give me more faith so that i can rest in your promise. through these hardships burn away my desire for all that is not of you. i need you God. set my heart at rest in your presence. in Jesus' name,
amen.
14 September 2007
i need you so much closer...
i know that in my last blog i talked about the love of God in his forgiveness and ability to bring us to holiness. those are the ideals. that's the big picture. when we get to the practical side of things, it hurts a lot more. we all sin and make stupid mistakes. we know that there's something better, and yet we forget about it and trade it for a temporary, false pleasure. it is hard to see the big picture sometimes. also, it is hard to trust God in times of hardship when everything doesn't really make sense. this life is hard....its so hard to have faith.
that's kind of where i'm at right now.
God, be close to me. give me faith, more faith. help me to take my eyes off of the things of this world. let me be caught up in the splendor of my relationship with you. i need you to work in me. fill my mind and my heart with your love. change me, God. I'm all in.
that's kind of where i'm at right now.
God, be close to me. give me faith, more faith. help me to take my eyes off of the things of this world. let me be caught up in the splendor of my relationship with you. i need you to work in me. fill my mind and my heart with your love. change me, God. I'm all in.
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