current struggles...

in many ways, i feel as if i am going backward in my faith. i am struggling on a regular basis with purity, which i haven't struggled with since sophomore year of high school. i am not spending very much time with the Lord, mostly because of how busy i am. i haven't not been in the word this much probably in 2 or 3 years. and, i am surrounded by things that remind me of my old, legalistic life. i don't know who to believe or what to do. i have questions about everything. recently, things have been going better, but this week has been hard. i don't exactly know why...but, today was a very hard day. i am sick of trying to have a good attitude about things. i have been way too busy. i have no time to do anything that i want, really. things have been better, yes...but they still aren't great. tonight i have been so frustrated with how things are going that at the moment i really just don't care. i'm so tired. i'm so worn out. i'm sick. i feel terrible. i am confused...i just don't care.

tonight at credo, doug talked about these two things...that we are to let go of the sin that we wrestle with and grab on to the good works that god's prepared for us to do. the way he talks is so much different than anyone else i have ever heard. it makes sense, and i totally agree with him, but why don't other people see the word the way he sees it? have we all missed the truth? have i been fed lies for my entire life, talking about legalism, guilt, and consequence? or is doug wrong, too liberal and too emphatic about God's love and mercy? who is right? is anyone right? am i just misunderstanding?

the questions that have been plaguing me over the past month have been silent this week. now they are back...at least some of them. God is answering though. he is faithful, and i see his hand moving in many ways. its just hard to watch myself struggle with lessons and concepts i thought i had learned in years previous...

Lord, thanks for Jesus. I identify with him at the cross and praise you for the mercy that you have shown. there's nothing i can offer to make up for my sin. restore me quickly, Lord. rid me of this apathetic emotional state i seem to be in. teach me to follow closely after you. pick me up. dust me off. hold my hand. i want to be with you. that's it. wipe the tears from my eyes and let me know the fullness of your love in this moment. help me to continue on, and to become more holy as each day goes on. i need you. i rely on you. in my brokenness here tonight i long for you and the complete satisfaction that you bring with your embrace. oh how i love you...teach me to love you more. whatever the cost, whatever the pain, whatever the loss, i count it all as trash compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing you, my savior and my king.

amen.