victory

happy thanksgiving...


this morning i woke up to a text message saying that one of my old teammates died in a car crash last night.

this life that i live is so fragile. i drove to portland today to be with my family. i couldn't help but have on my mind how easy it would be to get hit by a car and die. that would be the end. i'm not entitled to a long life, or to even make it past graduating college. i could die at any moment, really.

has my life, then, been worth living so far? am i making the most of the moments i have right now, or am i waiting until i graduate from college to really go after it and start living the fullest life? would i be satisfied with my life if it ended now? would God say to me, "well done," or would i weep at all of the opportunities i missed because i was wasting my time here on earth?

as i saw my family (my extended family is "religious" but many of them don't know God), i thought of how they could easily pass away too without even knowing God. i didn't do anything today, though...i wasted today away. sure, i read and prayed today...but did i do anything about it? did i love as God commanded me to love? did i neglect my gift? did i hoard the grace of Christ in order to simply be comfortable?

things have been getting harder for me. i knew it would come when i began to step out and make war with the enemy through this "change the world campaign." things with addie have been hard, and i've been really selfish about it. i have felt my weakness. i've been sidetracked by shame. i've felt isolated and alone. i've felt like i've let people down. i dunno...things are much harder than they were just a few weeks ago.

as i type this and think about how difficult things are getting and the cost of stepping out for jesus, there is a part of me that simply doesn't care about all the junk that's happening lately. why don't i care? its because i am tired of leading a "status quo" christian life. i'd rather taste defeat than live in mediocrity. i'd rather push my body and my spirit beyond breaking than simply sit comfortably in stagnant normality. i want to live a life of greatness. i want to be one of those heroes of the faith - not because of some sort of special quality about me, but because i simply stepped out in faith and God propelled me into greatness. 1 john 5:4 says, "This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." the victory has been assured if only i would step out in faith.

for whatever reason, great suffering always seems to accompany great action...

Lord, give me the focus and the drive that you had as you entered the Garden of Gethsemane. You endured great suffering for the joy set before you. Your focus was narrow and true. Your hope was in our Great Father. You are my example. Help me to suffer as you suffered, and help me to not fall away on account of that suffering. Give me hope daily. Be nearer still.

amen.

"I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."