discouragement and lonliness

i seem to only write on this after my friends die...

i found out yesterday that a guy who i wasn't extremely close with, but close enough to have his phone number in my phone, passed away on friday. he was 22. tonight we had credo, and it was good...doug talked a lot about him, and it was good. i don't know though...i feel very empty right now. i mean, i don't feel like geoff's death is affecting me nearly as much as alex's did...over the past 6 months, geoff's life did a 180 because of Jesus. i know i'll see him soon. alex, on the other hand, is a different story. there's a lot more hope this time. it's still hard though...

credo is a funny place. i love doug, and i love rocky...the messages are always challenging, and the music is great. tonight was a great time to come and worship the lord and be challenged. afterward credo ends, its a different story. i don't know people. i stuck around to try to talk to people, but it just wasn't much deeper than surface level. i feel very empty right now, and i just wanted to be renewed by the spirit of God and some deep conversation. God definitely came, and now i'm alone. i dunno...maybe this is his will. maybe this is where he wants me right now...alone in my room thinking about him, alone so that i can't rely on anyone else but him, alone to test, try, and mature me. i feel alone. i had a feeling it would come this semester...it isn't fun.

so many nights i will come home discouraged, open up my email or my facebook, hoping to get a message from a friend. its those nights when i feel i need it most that the message from my friend isn't ever there. god, is that you? do you want me alone like this? feeling discouraged and down...alone? do you want me like this? i think you do, and i'm thankful for it, but i don't like it.

k, here's why i'm discouraged tonight. this is what's going through my head - doug talked about greatness once again, and i want to press on to greatness. i want that so bad. i want to be what God wants me to be. right now, i feel like a failure. i'm trying to think of what's going on in my life right now, and i see mediocrity and failure. i see myself trying to do things and failing. i see my weakness. i see a life i don't feel like God can use. my shortcomings are pressing in around me, and i know they are blocking my vision of the the grace God has given to me...but they make me question if his grace is really upon me. in his word God talks of his people doing incredible things by faith...signs and wonders, quenching the fury of the flaim, miracles, closing the mouths of lions, spreading the gospel...where is that in my life? am i just being impatient? is it in my future? ah...i don't know. i have been trying to be disciplined...more disciplined than ever. i have been trying to be humble. i have been trying to accept that God has me where i'm at for a reason. i've even been trying to not try...if that makes sense. i know God is in control...i guess i am just being impatient. but i want him. i want him so badly...so badly that the things of this world don't satisfy.

"so then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him." - colossians 2:6