the finish line

i have been looking forward to being done with high school so much that i haven't had a moment to actually think about what it will be like for it to be over. it is starting to sink in after we had the senior banquet on thursday night. for some reason, i was in a really deep thinking mood the other night at the banquet. those speeches really got me thinking. then, to think that i'm probably never going to see most of the people in that room ever again in my life...wow. i might not be close friends with all of them, but my heart still goes out to them and i like being around them.

we all just don't get it. the speeches that the teachers gave were really good, but they were missing one thing - God. they told us to be good people and think about other people more than ourselves and follow our dreams and all of that. but, they left out the one thing that really matters in the life, and that's Jesus Christ. what is the purpose of life? you can't create it on your own. that will leave you empty, confused and hurting. the only purpose in this life is to know God and love him for the love he has shown for us. that's it.

as i thought about this on thursday night, i looked around the room and saw all the lost people in that room. (now, get me right. i'm not saying that i'm better than them for knowing, because it is by God's grace i am who i am. he has chosen me to know him, which doesn't make sense in my own mind because why wouldn't he choose them? but i am confident that many of them will come to know him at a different stage in life). i saw the faces of my peers who will go off to college and live an entirely unfulfilled life. could i have told them the truth? why didn't i stand up and show and tell them about the love that God has for us in Christ Jesus? why didn't i share it with them every single day in words? its the most important thing! could i have done a better job? of course i could have. it pains me to think about this.

yet, as i think about high school and look back at my 4 years spent at south, i can honestly say i am satisfied with the course i have taken in high school. i wish i could have done more, but i'm only human. and god worked in my heart SO much! i needed to grow first. and i'm still growing, but now i feel i have the maturity to tell others about him. i just wish i could have one more chance to share with every one of my friends about God.

it isn't over yet. we've got 7 days of school left, and two weeks left with people who need to know Christ! i'm not ashamed of the power of the gospel, am I!? it has changed me, and i must share with my friends the thing that means the most to me.

please, join me in praying for chances, opportunities and boldness to share the love of God with our peers as this year rapidly approches its end.

finish strong.

"i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith."
2 Timothy 4:7

depravity of humanity vs. divinity of the trinity

we are depraved. we live in a broken world. our very flesh is infected with desires that set themselves up against God. not only that, but the "prince of this world" is running around tempting us to fall into the traps that he has so cleverly set for us.

i have been feeling so incredibly inadequate when it comes to God. high school is coming to a close, and this apathy (senioritis) is kicking in. i have little or no desire to be at school. today i went to school for one class - and that class was team sports. our teachers almost encourage us to take it easy and coast our way to the finish line. its getting really close. i'm anticipating the future. my mind is already on the summer and on next year. this shows in my attitude recently. i'm so undisciplined. the lack of passion for school is seeping into a lack of passion for life in general, and therefore is being translated into my walk with God. i'm spending time with God, but its almost an afterthought - which is ridiculous! my prayer life is suffering, my bible reading hasn't been quite as good. and, i feel it. i feel just this groaning and longing inside of me. i feel this discontent with the things of this world. i long for the unchanging, but i live inside this world of change.

anyways, i am failing! every day i do something that i wish i hadn't, or i don't do something that i should of. i see character flaws within myself, and they are so ugly. i am absolutely depraved.

at church last sunday, a missionary from Latvia spoke to us. he explained that the first question all foreigners ask about Latvia when they get there is why there are no crosses on their churches. instead of crosses, they have roosters...big ones. why are there roosters on top of Latvian churches rather than crosses? this missionary explained that the cross reminds us of what Jesus did for us - it is a religious symbol and makes us feel good about his sacrifice. the rooster, however, is a reminder of how many times we have denied Jesus, just like peter did 3 times before the rooster crowed. the rooster forces us to remember our sin, our shame and our position.

we are all sinners. even if we're christians, that doesn't mean we're better than others. a terrible tendency i have is a desire to compare myself to other christians to see how i'm doing. its easy, especially as a senior, to look around and feel pretty good about myself. i'm not as bad as that person. i read my bible more than she does. i don't sin that big. you know what i'm saying? BUT - humanity is not the standard. Christ is our example. we're on a journey in life to become more like him in his holiness and perfection. we'll never reach that goal, but hopefully we'll get closer and closer as life goes on.

so, as the rooster reminds me to look at myself in my condition, i find filth, trash, dirtiness, failure, and so on, and so forth. why does God even bother with me? he shows me love, and i fail. he forgives me, blesses me (why???), and for some reason i turn somewhere else for fleeting satisfaction. that's the state i'm in.

but, am i ever going to get out of this? as i come closer and closer to Christ, i realize how incredibly HOLY he is! look at me, then look at him. depravity...divinity. its the difference between light and dark. he is so, so, so holy! perfect in all ways, indescribably beatiful, wonderfully kind, and unfailing in love.

that he would love me is an incredibe mystery! that he would use me...ah!? he's insane!! i mean, its like trying to sail across the atlantic ocean in a sunken boat that's been pulled up from the ocean floor. but, ah, this is ridiculous. he does it! God, in his absolutely wonderous glory and strength is able to take us, as broken and as filthy as we might be, and change the world with us. that is amazing. that is incomprehensible.

david crowder's last album is called "a beautiful collision." in the front cover, a simple line reads:
"when our depravity meets His divinity it is a beautiful collision."
that's what its all about. the glory of it all is that Christ came down to save us from our depravity and give us life abundant. he never fails to bless us. all he asks for us in exchange for love, blessing, peace, eternal life, is our trust. he wants us to be all in for him. he asks us to bring ourselves to him, broken, unclean, and worthless. he wants us to turn in our old, tattered, beaten up lives in exchange for indescribably GOOD life through Christ.

so, i guess its just a daily decision to lay down my life for God's purpose, not my own. simple, yet profound. easy to understand, yet difficult to grasp. the good thing is God promises to do it for us. so, i'll put my trust in that promise...

a problem and a prayer

why are things so hard sometimes?

i know that God has given us more than anything we could ever ask for or imagine. i know that he has given me life more abundantly. i know that in God is every good thing and from his hand comes all things beautiful. BUT - why can this life be so hard? emotionally, i'm shot right now. the past couple days have been really tough. i've been running around doing a lot of things that just need to get done. i've had only a couple hours at home. i feel so alone - this morning i went to pray for our school at 7 am, and i had invited everyone else to come to. i ended up being the only one there. one of my good friends walked by, but barely acknowledged me. that made the whole morning sort of sour. i had a good quiet time this afternoon. but, after that, things just seemed to get hard again. i came home, hoping to relax a little before riot. yet, when i get home, all my problems, worries and stressors have fallen on my head. little things bug me. i'm angry. how hard is this life? how does jesus have this much patience??

gosh...how do you expect me to do this God? it is so hard. i feel the burden, and i want to give it over to you, but its so heavy. i hardly feel like i can pass it off to you at all. i'm stuck. please, free me! i don't know what is going on, but i need you to change me. i need you to draw me closer to you. i don't know whats going on right now, but i really don't like it at all. is it my own fault? is it something you're bringing me through so that i might know you more? whatever it is, LORD, it doesn't matter. its only a part of this journey. all i want is to follow you, so if you're leading me through this, give me the strength to follow after you through these hard times...

and yet, when i think about it...this day isn't really that bad at all - what joy is found in the cross of Jesus Christ! focus me on that love that overflows to me through your gift of Christ dying on the cross to atone for my sins. that, LORD, is truly indescribable. keep my head up. don't let me look at myself and drown in self pity. just like peter on the lake, LORD, keep my eyes on you so that i don't sink. don't let my gaze drift to the raging storms around me. let me find peace in you, LORD. be my strength.

in the name of the only Jesus, Amen.

BUT WHATEVER WAS TO MY PROFIT I NOW CONSIDER LOSS FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST. WHAT IS MORE, I CONSIDER EVERYTHING A LOSS COMPARED TO THE SURPASSING GREATNESS OF KNOWING CHRIST JESUS MY LORD, FOR WHOSE SAKE I HAVE LOST ALL THINGS. I CONSIDER THEM RUBBISH THAT I MIGHT GAIN CHRIST AND BE FOUND IN HIM, NOT HAVING A RIGHTEOUSNESS OF MY OWN THAT COMES FROM THE LAW, BUT THAT WHICH IS THROUGH FAITH IN CHRIST - THE RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT COMES FROM GOD AND IS BY FAITH. I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST AND THE POWER OF HIS RESURRECTION AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF SHARING IN HIS SUFFERINGS, BECOMING LIKE HIM IN HIS DEATH, AND SO, SOMEHOW TO ATTAIN TO THE RESURRECTION OF THE DEAD.

NOT THAT I HAVE ALREAD OBTAINED ALL THIS, OR HAVE ALREADY BEEN MADE PERFECT, BUT I PRESS ON TO TAKE HOLD OF THAT FOR WHICH CHRIST JESUS HAS TAKEN HOLD OF ME. BROTHERS, I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF TO HAVE TAKEN HOLD OF IT. BUT ONE THING I DO: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND AND STRAINING TOWARD WHAT IS AHEAD, I PRESS ON TOWARD THE GOAL TO WIN THE PRIZE FOR WHICH GOD HAS CALLED ME HEAVENWARD IN CHRIST JESUS.

press on! keep your eyes on that goal...

spiritual vision

"the christian life isn't hard. it isn't even difficult...it's impossible!"
louie giglio


it makes sense that following after Jesus is the most difficult thing to do in this fallen world, especially with this fleshly nature weighing me down. it is so hard to have faith - not only faith that God is real, but a deeper faith as well. it is hard to trust in the promises of God, which are unseen and eternal, in a tangible and tempting world. it is impossible to constantly have our vision set on heaven, just as it says in 2 corinthians 4:16-18.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory tha far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is sen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

if we could really put into practice this verse, i believe our lives would be changed drastically. the problem is, we can't. we simply cannot set our sights on Christ alone and never be distracted from that goal. many followers of Christ have experienced this narrowly focused vision for a time. whether it be a church camp, your salvation experience, a mission trip, or just an amazing week of life, these times, i think, are the most fulfilling times in life. we have one purpose, with one care and only one desire - Jesus Christ.

unfortunately, things tend to pull our eyes away from only Him. we get distracted in some way or another. it could be directly. for example, we are tempted and eventually fall. our eyes are pulled away from him, and we begin to seek after other things, forgetting about what God has done for us. this happened over and over again in the old testament. one of the greatest examples of this, throughout the entire history of israel is the parting of the red sea. this event is a huge part of the psalms, mentioned over and over again as one of the greatest works of God's salvation of the israelites from the egyptians. recall with me - the israelites flee from the egyptians, cross the parted red sea (this is a huge group of people to move, around a million), and the pursuing egyptians die as God un-parts the red sea on top of them. in exodus 15, the israelites are singing praise to God, dancing with crazy excitement. then, THREE DAYS LATER, the israelites have forgotten what God just did. they're complaining. why does this happen to us so very much? we see God's glory, and yet we turn away from him so quickly.

or, the shifting of our vision could be slightly less direct, but in some ways much more deadly. the greatest example of this that i have observed is busyness. God reveals himself to us in a powerful way, and our life is changed. then, we get busy. our eyes begin to look at other things as well as God. we still want to seek him, but we also have other things that we need to get done, or that we want to do as well. this is very dangerous, because often times we will have just enough of God to feel like he's still there, but we'll be so stagnant in our journey with him. we aren't really seeking him; he's just there, and it gives us a good feeling inside.


our tendency as human beings is to eventually fall into one of these patterns of life - whether it be moderate or extreme, for a long or short period of time. we fall. that's what it is impossible to live this life. it is so hard to follow him! i find myself constantly falling into one of these categories, or into something other than these that i just don't understand whatsoever. sometimes i don't desire God, and i don't know why except for a lack of faith.

something i have been saying lately to God is, "it's so hard, God. i want to, but i can't seem to desire you like you deserve, or to live how you want." tonight during worship at riot, i was realizing all of the things that i need to work on in my relationship with God. it was quite overwhelming! first of all, i need to think about him more, because if i really did love him then he'd be on my mind all the time. i need to spend more time with him, and really put a lot more effort into that time. i wanted to read through a few more books and just be consumed by the word of God. i need to be telling more people about Jesus, sometimes more directly. i need to be praying more for my school and for first priority and for my friends and for addie and for my church, etc. i need to pour into the lives of other people around me, helping them to know God better. ah, so OVERWHELMING! i can't possibly do all this stuff on my own. and, honestly, i don't know how i can do it all, period.

yet, there is hope, and oh, how much hope there is. haha, i'm smiling now. that means i'm happy when i write this. in contrast to the fact that this christian life ridiculously impossible, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. really. that is the burden that Christ is talking about in matthew 11 when he says "come to me..." it is the burden of self. and, oh, how ironic in the world's eyes is it that in losing ourself to God and becoming a slave of righteousness, we are completely satisfied and sustained. we find true life, life as God inteneded, when we lose our life for God's sake. in my last blog, i talked about 2 peter 1:3, specifically about how God has given us everything we need for life. tonight, i'm talking about how God has provided everything we need for godliness in HIM.

its all about him. everything upon this earth points to him. nature does. our relationships do. the deepest parts of our hearts do. friends do. circumstances do. and, if we fix our eyes upon him, i strongly believe that everything will somehow fall into place. if he is the only thing that is in our vision, then good things are inevitably ahead. the problem is, it is with faith, which we lack so greatly, that we are able to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen." so, we pray for more faith. and God ever-so faithfully grants this request to us. all we have to do is to continue to call to him as we go through life. there's ups and downs. we fall too often, but God's right there to lift us back up if we ask for him to.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jsus, the author and perfecter of our faith..."
hebrews 12:2

it is him who we must fix our eyes upon, because he is the one who brings our faith to perfection. and, as we look at him, the things of this earth slowly grow "strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace."

center

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knwoledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."
2 Peter 1:3


so i got back from this new job i started just a little bit ago. i feel so stupid, because i didn't do it right and i made this old guy i was working with stay late to help me. it hasn't been the greatest of nights.

i didn't know if i was going to have to work or not tonight so i called this afternoon, hoping that i wasn't. i wanted to go with all my friends to the oly pageant, but i found out that i worked. so, i showed up and things were going pretty well. i am a "range attendant" now, and i don't do much else but drive this little cart around picking golf balls up from the driving range. today, work started out well, and i was just driving around thinking, praying, and memorizing some verses. it was pretty sweet...i mean, i would have rather been with all my friends, but it was me and God driving around out there in the beautiful weather, and it was good.

i just met the guy i was working with today. he's probably in his sixties - kind of a grumpy old man. he's also got a broken foot so he just hobbles around. he needed me to do some stuff, which distracted me from the stuff i needed to be doing. as closing time was coming, i had a lot more to do than i had hoped, and i didn't want to make this old guy mad at me the day i met him. so, i was doing alright, and probably wouldn't have been too bad off, but the machine i was using stopped working. i had to tell the old man (his name is earl). he helped me out, but we ended up staying an hour after closing, and i felt really bad for making him stay because he was obviously unhappy about it...and, guess what? i get to work with him tomorrow!

i didn't want to work today, and i don't want to work tomorrow. i had other plans.

i don't really like my new job, and i didn't like the one i had before. why is this? this job sort of fell into my lap just like the last one did...like God wanted me to have this job. why would he do that? why would he seemingly give me a job that i do not like whatsoever? i know it might be a little early to say that, but i definitely don't enjoy working when i could be doing something that i feel is much more important than a little cash. and, i don't enjoy earl. so, why am i working here? do i quit this job just like i quit my last one? how long til i can quit? why does God have me working here?

i don't exactly know the answer to this. maybe i'm supposed to share Jesus with earl and the other people i'll get to work with. maybe its just an experience for the future. maybe its so that i can grow closer to God while driving around in my cart being pegged by golf balls.

the one thing i do know is that God is directing my life. he is in control. he gave me this job, for whatever purpose he might have for it. he has me here for a reason. i can trust him. and, plus...its not about me. its all about him. so i'll do whatever i do for his glory. my view has to be centered around God, not only in church or at home or at school, but in all aspects of my life. he is the center of everything, and should not be witheld from anything. look at that verse up there again - His divine power has given us everthing we need for life - pause. look at that! meditate on that! what a promise that is to us. God has given us everything we need for life through his power. alright, continue - and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. alright, so God's power has given us everything we need for godliness too. that's pretty sweet as well. it looks like that pretty much covers everything that i could ever be concerned about. how do we access this "divine power?" well, "through our knowledge of him." as we get to know him, which comes through spending time with him by talking to him and reading his word, his power directs our lives. and then...just look how everything comes back to him in this verse..."his divine power, through our knowledge of him, who called us by his own glory and goodness." he's it. the center...the only option for us.

he's the center. we look at him and things somehow seem to fall into place. that's how its been with my life. and that's why i can have confidence in this whole job thing. i hate it, but God's in control, and he'll do what he wants. i'm his and that's it.

sorry, long, stupid build up for a simple message. i mostly just needed to vent somewhere - and you, lucky reader, were the object of my venting. don't you feel privileged?

p.s. - lessons from arizona, soon to come. stay tuned, if there's anyone who actually reads this. i only know of one person (jesca). so, if you really wanted to make me feel super special, you could comment on this and tell me that you read this. that would make my day.

navajo nation pics

this is the church we stayed at...the "blue church"

the first night we went over and climbed and hiked through this "mesa." when we were leaving, the sun was setting on this and it was absolutely breathtaking. what a beautiful God

yes...snow in arizona. crazy huh? notice how in both photos of me i'm wearing the exact same thing. yeah, i only brought 2 sweatshirts and a couple pair of pants. didn't you think arizona was hot?

these girls at vbs were crazy...this is how it was every night

she's my girlfriend?! ah...me and addie at the grand canyon.

humbled once again

tomorrow morning i leave with my church on a missions trip to navajo nation. this has already been a strange trip, just because of the place my heart is in right now...

here it is. my heart. ah...i just feel like i've been going through the motions for a few days. i mean, its been good some of the time, but i know that i could be giving more to God, and i know that God wants more of me. if you read my blog entitled, "desire of ages" you will see what God's really been challenging me with lately - to love him. no, to really love him. not just to religiously follow him, but to be consumed with passion at the name of Jesus. i want to think about him, and to dwell on him, to give him all that i have only to know him just a little more. and that's what his love demands of me.

well, that was the challenge. i've felt this before. and i've failed at it before, falling back into my old, but comfortable ways. its been tough recently. there's excitement right after God teaches you something new, or your life changes just a little bit. but, when it gets hard, or you fail, then its just a lot easier to give in and live like you'd been living before God told you to change. and that's what's happened. i was super excited about it for probably a week or two. then, i lost the feelings. i continued on, but it was tough. i've kept going, and its been hard, but nothing like the beginning, and i know that God wants more of my love. i know i can love him more. i know that i've settled right here. i know that i've failed.

my problem is this. i'm prideful. i don't like admitting that i've made a mistake, even to myself. so, this past week has just been me trying to ignore my failure and press on to know God solely on my own effort. its no fun at all.

tonight i was thinking about my journey through life a little, and how pride and failure have played such a huge role. i have known that my problem has been pride for such a long time. i've prayed and prayed that God would clothe me with humility and give me a right view of myself...and he's definitely changing me. i must be patient in it though. its funny though, because the way he is helping me become more perfect in this area of humility is just long and slow. want to know what God's main method for humbling me is?

personal failure.

and it makes perfect sense, right? if i think i'm really good at something and have got it all together in an area, focusing too much on myself and almost entirely forgetting that God is the one that is actually responsible for the good, God simply removes his hand, and i fail. its perfectly simple, and perfectly wise. the problem is, i don't like to fail. and i don't like to admit that i've failed.

and so, i've failed again. i'm not loving God like his love demands of me. what do i do now? (this is the amazing part, and i just smiled thinking about it). i repent, and run back into forgiving arms of the One who died for me. his love truly is an "unfailing love." ah, i just love how faithful God is! it gives me so much confidence in my God.


this trip has already been difficult, and i haven't even left. but, God is faithful, and he will surely hear our prayers. he will answer in the power that he alone holds in his hands - that power is for all who believe through the mighty working of the Holy Spirit. for from him, and through him, and to him are all things! and that is my prayer for this trip, Lord. its from you - an opportunity to love you back, to get to know you more. its completely through you - its all your power and strength at work in us and through us. and, of course, all the glory always goes to you - may our eyes be firmly fixed upon your love, and let all that surrounds fade rapidly away at the revelation of your glory. amen (so be it).