humbled once again

tomorrow morning i leave with my church on a missions trip to navajo nation. this has already been a strange trip, just because of the place my heart is in right now...

here it is. my heart. ah...i just feel like i've been going through the motions for a few days. i mean, its been good some of the time, but i know that i could be giving more to God, and i know that God wants more of me. if you read my blog entitled, "desire of ages" you will see what God's really been challenging me with lately - to love him. no, to really love him. not just to religiously follow him, but to be consumed with passion at the name of Jesus. i want to think about him, and to dwell on him, to give him all that i have only to know him just a little more. and that's what his love demands of me.

well, that was the challenge. i've felt this before. and i've failed at it before, falling back into my old, but comfortable ways. its been tough recently. there's excitement right after God teaches you something new, or your life changes just a little bit. but, when it gets hard, or you fail, then its just a lot easier to give in and live like you'd been living before God told you to change. and that's what's happened. i was super excited about it for probably a week or two. then, i lost the feelings. i continued on, but it was tough. i've kept going, and its been hard, but nothing like the beginning, and i know that God wants more of my love. i know i can love him more. i know that i've settled right here. i know that i've failed.

my problem is this. i'm prideful. i don't like admitting that i've made a mistake, even to myself. so, this past week has just been me trying to ignore my failure and press on to know God solely on my own effort. its no fun at all.

tonight i was thinking about my journey through life a little, and how pride and failure have played such a huge role. i have known that my problem has been pride for such a long time. i've prayed and prayed that God would clothe me with humility and give me a right view of myself...and he's definitely changing me. i must be patient in it though. its funny though, because the way he is helping me become more perfect in this area of humility is just long and slow. want to know what God's main method for humbling me is?

personal failure.

and it makes perfect sense, right? if i think i'm really good at something and have got it all together in an area, focusing too much on myself and almost entirely forgetting that God is the one that is actually responsible for the good, God simply removes his hand, and i fail. its perfectly simple, and perfectly wise. the problem is, i don't like to fail. and i don't like to admit that i've failed.

and so, i've failed again. i'm not loving God like his love demands of me. what do i do now? (this is the amazing part, and i just smiled thinking about it). i repent, and run back into forgiving arms of the One who died for me. his love truly is an "unfailing love." ah, i just love how faithful God is! it gives me so much confidence in my God.


this trip has already been difficult, and i haven't even left. but, God is faithful, and he will surely hear our prayers. he will answer in the power that he alone holds in his hands - that power is for all who believe through the mighty working of the Holy Spirit. for from him, and through him, and to him are all things! and that is my prayer for this trip, Lord. its from you - an opportunity to love you back, to get to know you more. its completely through you - its all your power and strength at work in us and through us. and, of course, all the glory always goes to you - may our eyes be firmly fixed upon your love, and let all that surrounds fade rapidly away at the revelation of your glory. amen (so be it).