why are things so hard sometimes?
i know that God has given us more than anything we could ever ask for or imagine. i know that he has given me life more abundantly. i know that in God is every good thing and from his hand comes all things beautiful. BUT - why can this life be so hard? emotionally, i'm shot right now. the past couple days have been really tough. i've been running around doing a lot of things that just need to get done. i've had only a couple hours at home. i feel so alone - this morning i went to pray for our school at 7 am, and i had invited everyone else to come to. i ended up being the only one there. one of my good friends walked by, but barely acknowledged me. that made the whole morning sort of sour. i had a good quiet time this afternoon. but, after that, things just seemed to get hard again. i came home, hoping to relax a little before riot. yet, when i get home, all my problems, worries and stressors have fallen on my head. little things bug me. i'm angry. how hard is this life? how does jesus have this much patience??
gosh...how do you expect me to do this God? it is so hard. i feel the burden, and i want to give it over to you, but its so heavy. i hardly feel like i can pass it off to you at all. i'm stuck. please, free me! i don't know what is going on, but i need you to change me. i need you to draw me closer to you. i don't know whats going on right now, but i really don't like it at all. is it my own fault? is it something you're bringing me through so that i might know you more? whatever it is, LORD, it doesn't matter. its only a part of this journey. all i want is to follow you, so if you're leading me through this, give me the strength to follow after you through these hard times...
and yet, when i think about it...this day isn't really that bad at all - what joy is found in the cross of Jesus Christ! focus me on that love that overflows to me through your gift of Christ dying on the cross to atone for my sins. that, LORD, is truly indescribable. keep my head up. don't let me look at myself and drown in self pity. just like peter on the lake, LORD, keep my eyes on you so that i don't sink. don't let my gaze drift to the raging storms around me. let me find peace in you, LORD. be my strength.
in the name of the only Jesus, Amen.
02 May 2007
26 April 2007
BUT WHATEVER WAS TO MY PROFIT I NOW CONSIDER LOSS FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST. WHAT IS MORE, I CONSIDER EVERYTHING A LOSS COMPARED TO THE SURPASSING GREATNESS OF KNOWING CHRIST JESUS MY LORD, FOR WHOSE SAKE I HAVE LOST ALL THINGS. I CONSIDER THEM RUBBISH THAT I MIGHT GAIN CHRIST AND BE FOUND IN HIM, NOT HAVING A RIGHTEOUSNESS OF MY OWN THAT COMES FROM THE LAW, BUT THAT WHICH IS THROUGH FAITH IN CHRIST - THE RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT COMES FROM GOD AND IS BY FAITH. I WANT TO KNOW CHRIST AND THE POWER OF HIS RESURRECTION AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF SHARING IN HIS SUFFERINGS, BECOMING LIKE HIM IN HIS DEATH, AND SO, SOMEHOW TO ATTAIN TO THE RESURRECTION OF THE DEAD.
NOT THAT I HAVE ALREAD OBTAINED ALL THIS, OR HAVE ALREADY BEEN MADE PERFECT, BUT I PRESS ON TO TAKE HOLD OF THAT FOR WHICH CHRIST JESUS HAS TAKEN HOLD OF ME. BROTHERS, I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF TO HAVE TAKEN HOLD OF IT. BUT ONE THING I DO: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND AND STRAINING TOWARD WHAT IS AHEAD, I PRESS ON TOWARD THE GOAL TO WIN THE PRIZE FOR WHICH GOD HAS CALLED ME HEAVENWARD IN CHRIST JESUS.
press on! keep your eyes on that goal...
NOT THAT I HAVE ALREAD OBTAINED ALL THIS, OR HAVE ALREADY BEEN MADE PERFECT, BUT I PRESS ON TO TAKE HOLD OF THAT FOR WHICH CHRIST JESUS HAS TAKEN HOLD OF ME. BROTHERS, I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF TO HAVE TAKEN HOLD OF IT. BUT ONE THING I DO: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND AND STRAINING TOWARD WHAT IS AHEAD, I PRESS ON TOWARD THE GOAL TO WIN THE PRIZE FOR WHICH GOD HAS CALLED ME HEAVENWARD IN CHRIST JESUS.
press on! keep your eyes on that goal...
11 April 2007
spiritual vision
"the christian life isn't hard. it isn't even difficult...it's impossible!"
louie giglio
it makes sense that following after Jesus is the most difficult thing to do in this fallen world, especially with this fleshly nature weighing me down. it is so hard to have faith - not only faith that God is real, but a deeper faith as well. it is hard to trust in the promises of God, which are unseen and eternal, in a tangible and tempting world. it is impossible to constantly have our vision set on heaven, just as it says in 2 corinthians 4:16-18.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory tha far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is sen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
if we could really put into practice this verse, i believe our lives would be changed drastically. the problem is, we can't. we simply cannot set our sights on Christ alone and never be distracted from that goal. many followers of Christ have experienced this narrowly focused vision for a time. whether it be a church camp, your salvation experience, a mission trip, or just an amazing week of life, these times, i think, are the most fulfilling times in life. we have one purpose, with one care and only one desire - Jesus Christ.
unfortunately, things tend to pull our eyes away from only Him. we get distracted in some way or another. it could be directly. for example, we are tempted and eventually fall. our eyes are pulled away from him, and we begin to seek after other things, forgetting about what God has done for us. this happened over and over again in the old testament. one of the greatest examples of this, throughout the entire history of israel is the parting of the red sea. this event is a huge part of the psalms, mentioned over and over again as one of the greatest works of God's salvation of the israelites from the egyptians. recall with me - the israelites flee from the egyptians, cross the parted red sea (this is a huge group of people to move, around a million), and the pursuing egyptians die as God un-parts the red sea on top of them. in exodus 15, the israelites are singing praise to God, dancing with crazy excitement. then, THREE DAYS LATER, the israelites have forgotten what God just did. they're complaining. why does this happen to us so very much? we see God's glory, and yet we turn away from him so quickly.
or, the shifting of our vision could be slightly less direct, but in some ways much more deadly. the greatest example of this that i have observed is busyness. God reveals himself to us in a powerful way, and our life is changed. then, we get busy. our eyes begin to look at other things as well as God. we still want to seek him, but we also have other things that we need to get done, or that we want to do as well. this is very dangerous, because often times we will have just enough of God to feel like he's still there, but we'll be so stagnant in our journey with him. we aren't really seeking him; he's just there, and it gives us a good feeling inside.
our tendency as human beings is to eventually fall into one of these patterns of life - whether it be moderate or extreme, for a long or short period of time. we fall. that's what it is impossible to live this life. it is so hard to follow him! i find myself constantly falling into one of these categories, or into something other than these that i just don't understand whatsoever. sometimes i don't desire God, and i don't know why except for a lack of faith.
something i have been saying lately to God is, "it's so hard, God. i want to, but i can't seem to desire you like you deserve, or to live how you want." tonight during worship at riot, i was realizing all of the things that i need to work on in my relationship with God. it was quite overwhelming! first of all, i need to think about him more, because if i really did love him then he'd be on my mind all the time. i need to spend more time with him, and really put a lot more effort into that time. i wanted to read through a few more books and just be consumed by the word of God. i need to be telling more people about Jesus, sometimes more directly. i need to be praying more for my school and for first priority and for my friends and for addie and for my church, etc. i need to pour into the lives of other people around me, helping them to know God better. ah, so OVERWHELMING! i can't possibly do all this stuff on my own. and, honestly, i don't know how i can do it all, period.
yet, there is hope, and oh, how much hope there is. haha, i'm smiling now. that means i'm happy when i write this. in contrast to the fact that this christian life ridiculously impossible, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. really. that is the burden that Christ is talking about in matthew 11 when he says "come to me..." it is the burden of self. and, oh, how ironic in the world's eyes is it that in losing ourself to God and becoming a slave of righteousness, we are completely satisfied and sustained. we find true life, life as God inteneded, when we lose our life for God's sake. in my last blog, i talked about 2 peter 1:3, specifically about how God has given us everything we need for life. tonight, i'm talking about how God has provided everything we need for godliness in HIM.
its all about him. everything upon this earth points to him. nature does. our relationships do. the deepest parts of our hearts do. friends do. circumstances do. and, if we fix our eyes upon him, i strongly believe that everything will somehow fall into place. if he is the only thing that is in our vision, then good things are inevitably ahead. the problem is, it is with faith, which we lack so greatly, that we are able to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen." so, we pray for more faith. and God ever-so faithfully grants this request to us. all we have to do is to continue to call to him as we go through life. there's ups and downs. we fall too often, but God's right there to lift us back up if we ask for him to.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jsus, the author and perfecter of our faith..."
hebrews 12:2
it is him who we must fix our eyes upon, because he is the one who brings our faith to perfection. and, as we look at him, the things of this earth slowly grow "strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace."
louie giglio
it makes sense that following after Jesus is the most difficult thing to do in this fallen world, especially with this fleshly nature weighing me down. it is so hard to have faith - not only faith that God is real, but a deeper faith as well. it is hard to trust in the promises of God, which are unseen and eternal, in a tangible and tempting world. it is impossible to constantly have our vision set on heaven, just as it says in 2 corinthians 4:16-18.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory tha far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is sen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
if we could really put into practice this verse, i believe our lives would be changed drastically. the problem is, we can't. we simply cannot set our sights on Christ alone and never be distracted from that goal. many followers of Christ have experienced this narrowly focused vision for a time. whether it be a church camp, your salvation experience, a mission trip, or just an amazing week of life, these times, i think, are the most fulfilling times in life. we have one purpose, with one care and only one desire - Jesus Christ.
unfortunately, things tend to pull our eyes away from only Him. we get distracted in some way or another. it could be directly. for example, we are tempted and eventually fall. our eyes are pulled away from him, and we begin to seek after other things, forgetting about what God has done for us. this happened over and over again in the old testament. one of the greatest examples of this, throughout the entire history of israel is the parting of the red sea. this event is a huge part of the psalms, mentioned over and over again as one of the greatest works of God's salvation of the israelites from the egyptians. recall with me - the israelites flee from the egyptians, cross the parted red sea (this is a huge group of people to move, around a million), and the pursuing egyptians die as God un-parts the red sea on top of them. in exodus 15, the israelites are singing praise to God, dancing with crazy excitement. then, THREE DAYS LATER, the israelites have forgotten what God just did. they're complaining. why does this happen to us so very much? we see God's glory, and yet we turn away from him so quickly.
or, the shifting of our vision could be slightly less direct, but in some ways much more deadly. the greatest example of this that i have observed is busyness. God reveals himself to us in a powerful way, and our life is changed. then, we get busy. our eyes begin to look at other things as well as God. we still want to seek him, but we also have other things that we need to get done, or that we want to do as well. this is very dangerous, because often times we will have just enough of God to feel like he's still there, but we'll be so stagnant in our journey with him. we aren't really seeking him; he's just there, and it gives us a good feeling inside.
our tendency as human beings is to eventually fall into one of these patterns of life - whether it be moderate or extreme, for a long or short period of time. we fall. that's what it is impossible to live this life. it is so hard to follow him! i find myself constantly falling into one of these categories, or into something other than these that i just don't understand whatsoever. sometimes i don't desire God, and i don't know why except for a lack of faith.
something i have been saying lately to God is, "it's so hard, God. i want to, but i can't seem to desire you like you deserve, or to live how you want." tonight during worship at riot, i was realizing all of the things that i need to work on in my relationship with God. it was quite overwhelming! first of all, i need to think about him more, because if i really did love him then he'd be on my mind all the time. i need to spend more time with him, and really put a lot more effort into that time. i wanted to read through a few more books and just be consumed by the word of God. i need to be telling more people about Jesus, sometimes more directly. i need to be praying more for my school and for first priority and for my friends and for addie and for my church, etc. i need to pour into the lives of other people around me, helping them to know God better. ah, so OVERWHELMING! i can't possibly do all this stuff on my own. and, honestly, i don't know how i can do it all, period.
yet, there is hope, and oh, how much hope there is. haha, i'm smiling now. that means i'm happy when i write this. in contrast to the fact that this christian life ridiculously impossible, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. really. that is the burden that Christ is talking about in matthew 11 when he says "come to me..." it is the burden of self. and, oh, how ironic in the world's eyes is it that in losing ourself to God and becoming a slave of righteousness, we are completely satisfied and sustained. we find true life, life as God inteneded, when we lose our life for God's sake. in my last blog, i talked about 2 peter 1:3, specifically about how God has given us everything we need for life. tonight, i'm talking about how God has provided everything we need for godliness in HIM.
its all about him. everything upon this earth points to him. nature does. our relationships do. the deepest parts of our hearts do. friends do. circumstances do. and, if we fix our eyes upon him, i strongly believe that everything will somehow fall into place. if he is the only thing that is in our vision, then good things are inevitably ahead. the problem is, it is with faith, which we lack so greatly, that we are able to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen." so, we pray for more faith. and God ever-so faithfully grants this request to us. all we have to do is to continue to call to him as we go through life. there's ups and downs. we fall too often, but God's right there to lift us back up if we ask for him to.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jsus, the author and perfecter of our faith..."
hebrews 12:2
it is him who we must fix our eyes upon, because he is the one who brings our faith to perfection. and, as we look at him, the things of this earth slowly grow "strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace."
06 April 2007
center
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knwoledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."
2 Peter 1:3
so i got back from this new job i started just a little bit ago. i feel so stupid, because i didn't do it right and i made this old guy i was working with stay late to help me. it hasn't been the greatest of nights.
i didn't know if i was going to have to work or not tonight so i called this afternoon, hoping that i wasn't. i wanted to go with all my friends to the oly pageant, but i found out that i worked. so, i showed up and things were going pretty well. i am a "range attendant" now, and i don't do much else but drive this little cart around picking golf balls up from the driving range. today, work started out well, and i was just driving around thinking, praying, and memorizing some verses. it was pretty sweet...i mean, i would have rather been with all my friends, but it was me and God driving around out there in the beautiful weather, and it was good.
i just met the guy i was working with today. he's probably in his sixties - kind of a grumpy old man. he's also got a broken foot so he just hobbles around. he needed me to do some stuff, which distracted me from the stuff i needed to be doing. as closing time was coming, i had a lot more to do than i had hoped, and i didn't want to make this old guy mad at me the day i met him. so, i was doing alright, and probably wouldn't have been too bad off, but the machine i was using stopped working. i had to tell the old man (his name is earl). he helped me out, but we ended up staying an hour after closing, and i felt really bad for making him stay because he was obviously unhappy about it...and, guess what? i get to work with him tomorrow!
i didn't want to work today, and i don't want to work tomorrow. i had other plans.
i don't really like my new job, and i didn't like the one i had before. why is this? this job sort of fell into my lap just like the last one did...like God wanted me to have this job. why would he do that? why would he seemingly give me a job that i do not like whatsoever? i know it might be a little early to say that, but i definitely don't enjoy working when i could be doing something that i feel is much more important than a little cash. and, i don't enjoy earl. so, why am i working here? do i quit this job just like i quit my last one? how long til i can quit? why does God have me working here?
i don't exactly know the answer to this. maybe i'm supposed to share Jesus with earl and the other people i'll get to work with. maybe its just an experience for the future. maybe its so that i can grow closer to God while driving around in my cart being pegged by golf balls.
the one thing i do know is that God is directing my life. he is in control. he gave me this job, for whatever purpose he might have for it. he has me here for a reason. i can trust him. and, plus...its not about me. its all about him. so i'll do whatever i do for his glory. my view has to be centered around God, not only in church or at home or at school, but in all aspects of my life. he is the center of everything, and should not be witheld from anything. look at that verse up there again - His divine power has given us everthing we need for life - pause. look at that! meditate on that! what a promise that is to us. God has given us everything we need for life through his power. alright, continue - and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. alright, so God's power has given us everything we need for godliness too. that's pretty sweet as well. it looks like that pretty much covers everything that i could ever be concerned about. how do we access this "divine power?" well, "through our knowledge of him." as we get to know him, which comes through spending time with him by talking to him and reading his word, his power directs our lives. and then...just look how everything comes back to him in this verse..."his divine power, through our knowledge of him, who called us by his own glory and goodness." he's it. the center...the only option for us.
he's the center. we look at him and things somehow seem to fall into place. that's how its been with my life. and that's why i can have confidence in this whole job thing. i hate it, but God's in control, and he'll do what he wants. i'm his and that's it.
sorry, long, stupid build up for a simple message. i mostly just needed to vent somewhere - and you, lucky reader, were the object of my venting. don't you feel privileged?
p.s. - lessons from arizona, soon to come. stay tuned, if there's anyone who actually reads this. i only know of one person (jesca). so, if you really wanted to make me feel super special, you could comment on this and tell me that you read this. that would make my day.
2 Peter 1:3
so i got back from this new job i started just a little bit ago. i feel so stupid, because i didn't do it right and i made this old guy i was working with stay late to help me. it hasn't been the greatest of nights.
i didn't know if i was going to have to work or not tonight so i called this afternoon, hoping that i wasn't. i wanted to go with all my friends to the oly pageant, but i found out that i worked. so, i showed up and things were going pretty well. i am a "range attendant" now, and i don't do much else but drive this little cart around picking golf balls up from the driving range. today, work started out well, and i was just driving around thinking, praying, and memorizing some verses. it was pretty sweet...i mean, i would have rather been with all my friends, but it was me and God driving around out there in the beautiful weather, and it was good.
i just met the guy i was working with today. he's probably in his sixties - kind of a grumpy old man. he's also got a broken foot so he just hobbles around. he needed me to do some stuff, which distracted me from the stuff i needed to be doing. as closing time was coming, i had a lot more to do than i had hoped, and i didn't want to make this old guy mad at me the day i met him. so, i was doing alright, and probably wouldn't have been too bad off, but the machine i was using stopped working. i had to tell the old man (his name is earl). he helped me out, but we ended up staying an hour after closing, and i felt really bad for making him stay because he was obviously unhappy about it...and, guess what? i get to work with him tomorrow!
i didn't want to work today, and i don't want to work tomorrow. i had other plans.
i don't really like my new job, and i didn't like the one i had before. why is this? this job sort of fell into my lap just like the last one did...like God wanted me to have this job. why would he do that? why would he seemingly give me a job that i do not like whatsoever? i know it might be a little early to say that, but i definitely don't enjoy working when i could be doing something that i feel is much more important than a little cash. and, i don't enjoy earl. so, why am i working here? do i quit this job just like i quit my last one? how long til i can quit? why does God have me working here?
i don't exactly know the answer to this. maybe i'm supposed to share Jesus with earl and the other people i'll get to work with. maybe its just an experience for the future. maybe its so that i can grow closer to God while driving around in my cart being pegged by golf balls.
the one thing i do know is that God is directing my life. he is in control. he gave me this job, for whatever purpose he might have for it. he has me here for a reason. i can trust him. and, plus...its not about me. its all about him. so i'll do whatever i do for his glory. my view has to be centered around God, not only in church or at home or at school, but in all aspects of my life. he is the center of everything, and should not be witheld from anything. look at that verse up there again - His divine power has given us everthing we need for life - pause. look at that! meditate on that! what a promise that is to us. God has given us everything we need for life through his power. alright, continue - and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. alright, so God's power has given us everything we need for godliness too. that's pretty sweet as well. it looks like that pretty much covers everything that i could ever be concerned about. how do we access this "divine power?" well, "through our knowledge of him." as we get to know him, which comes through spending time with him by talking to him and reading his word, his power directs our lives. and then...just look how everything comes back to him in this verse..."his divine power, through our knowledge of him, who called us by his own glory and goodness." he's it. the center...the only option for us.
he's the center. we look at him and things somehow seem to fall into place. that's how its been with my life. and that's why i can have confidence in this whole job thing. i hate it, but God's in control, and he'll do what he wants. i'm his and that's it.
sorry, long, stupid build up for a simple message. i mostly just needed to vent somewhere - and you, lucky reader, were the object of my venting. don't you feel privileged?
p.s. - lessons from arizona, soon to come. stay tuned, if there's anyone who actually reads this. i only know of one person (jesca). so, if you really wanted to make me feel super special, you could comment on this and tell me that you read this. that would make my day.
03 April 2007
navajo nation pics
this is the church we stayed at...the "blue church"
the first night we went over and climbed and hiked through this "mesa." when we were leaving, the sun was setting on this and it was absolutely breathtaking. what a beautiful God
yes...snow in arizona. crazy huh? notice how in both photos of me i'm wearing the exact same thing. yeah, i only brought 2 sweatshirts and a couple pair of pants. didn't you think arizona was hot?
these girls at vbs were crazy...this is how it was every night
she's my girlfriend?! ah...me and addie at the grand canyon.
21 March 2007
humbled once again
tomorrow morning i leave with my church on a missions trip to navajo nation. this has already been a strange trip, just because of the place my heart is in right now...
here it is. my heart. ah...i just feel like i've been going through the motions for a few days. i mean, its been good some of the time, but i know that i could be giving more to God, and i know that God wants more of me. if you read my blog entitled, "desire of ages" you will see what God's really been challenging me with lately - to love him. no, to really love him. not just to religiously follow him, but to be consumed with passion at the name of Jesus. i want to think about him, and to dwell on him, to give him all that i have only to know him just a little more. and that's what his love demands of me.
well, that was the challenge. i've felt this before. and i've failed at it before, falling back into my old, but comfortable ways. its been tough recently. there's excitement right after God teaches you something new, or your life changes just a little bit. but, when it gets hard, or you fail, then its just a lot easier to give in and live like you'd been living before God told you to change. and that's what's happened. i was super excited about it for probably a week or two. then, i lost the feelings. i continued on, but it was tough. i've kept going, and its been hard, but nothing like the beginning, and i know that God wants more of my love. i know i can love him more. i know that i've settled right here. i know that i've failed.
my problem is this. i'm prideful. i don't like admitting that i've made a mistake, even to myself. so, this past week has just been me trying to ignore my failure and press on to know God solely on my own effort. its no fun at all.
tonight i was thinking about my journey through life a little, and how pride and failure have played such a huge role. i have known that my problem has been pride for such a long time. i've prayed and prayed that God would clothe me with humility and give me a right view of myself...and he's definitely changing me. i must be patient in it though. its funny though, because the way he is helping me become more perfect in this area of humility is just long and slow. want to know what God's main method for humbling me is?
personal failure.
and it makes perfect sense, right? if i think i'm really good at something and have got it all together in an area, focusing too much on myself and almost entirely forgetting that God is the one that is actually responsible for the good, God simply removes his hand, and i fail. its perfectly simple, and perfectly wise. the problem is, i don't like to fail. and i don't like to admit that i've failed.
and so, i've failed again. i'm not loving God like his love demands of me. what do i do now? (this is the amazing part, and i just smiled thinking about it). i repent, and run back into forgiving arms of the One who died for me. his love truly is an "unfailing love." ah, i just love how faithful God is! it gives me so much confidence in my God.
this trip has already been difficult, and i haven't even left. but, God is faithful, and he will surely hear our prayers. he will answer in the power that he alone holds in his hands - that power is for all who believe through the mighty working of the Holy Spirit. for from him, and through him, and to him are all things! and that is my prayer for this trip, Lord. its from you - an opportunity to love you back, to get to know you more. its completely through you - its all your power and strength at work in us and through us. and, of course, all the glory always goes to you - may our eyes be firmly fixed upon your love, and let all that surrounds fade rapidly away at the revelation of your glory. amen (so be it).
here it is. my heart. ah...i just feel like i've been going through the motions for a few days. i mean, its been good some of the time, but i know that i could be giving more to God, and i know that God wants more of me. if you read my blog entitled, "desire of ages" you will see what God's really been challenging me with lately - to love him. no, to really love him. not just to religiously follow him, but to be consumed with passion at the name of Jesus. i want to think about him, and to dwell on him, to give him all that i have only to know him just a little more. and that's what his love demands of me.
well, that was the challenge. i've felt this before. and i've failed at it before, falling back into my old, but comfortable ways. its been tough recently. there's excitement right after God teaches you something new, or your life changes just a little bit. but, when it gets hard, or you fail, then its just a lot easier to give in and live like you'd been living before God told you to change. and that's what's happened. i was super excited about it for probably a week or two. then, i lost the feelings. i continued on, but it was tough. i've kept going, and its been hard, but nothing like the beginning, and i know that God wants more of my love. i know i can love him more. i know that i've settled right here. i know that i've failed.
my problem is this. i'm prideful. i don't like admitting that i've made a mistake, even to myself. so, this past week has just been me trying to ignore my failure and press on to know God solely on my own effort. its no fun at all.
tonight i was thinking about my journey through life a little, and how pride and failure have played such a huge role. i have known that my problem has been pride for such a long time. i've prayed and prayed that God would clothe me with humility and give me a right view of myself...and he's definitely changing me. i must be patient in it though. its funny though, because the way he is helping me become more perfect in this area of humility is just long and slow. want to know what God's main method for humbling me is?
personal failure.
and it makes perfect sense, right? if i think i'm really good at something and have got it all together in an area, focusing too much on myself and almost entirely forgetting that God is the one that is actually responsible for the good, God simply removes his hand, and i fail. its perfectly simple, and perfectly wise. the problem is, i don't like to fail. and i don't like to admit that i've failed.
and so, i've failed again. i'm not loving God like his love demands of me. what do i do now? (this is the amazing part, and i just smiled thinking about it). i repent, and run back into forgiving arms of the One who died for me. his love truly is an "unfailing love." ah, i just love how faithful God is! it gives me so much confidence in my God.
this trip has already been difficult, and i haven't even left. but, God is faithful, and he will surely hear our prayers. he will answer in the power that he alone holds in his hands - that power is for all who believe through the mighty working of the Holy Spirit. for from him, and through him, and to him are all things! and that is my prayer for this trip, Lord. its from you - an opportunity to love you back, to get to know you more. its completely through you - its all your power and strength at work in us and through us. and, of course, all the glory always goes to you - may our eyes be firmly fixed upon your love, and let all that surrounds fade rapidly away at the revelation of your glory. amen (so be it).
12 March 2007
why i can rejoice
man, i have just been going, going, going the past couple of weeks and i'm doing well, but i'm feeling the burden right about now. i have been so busy with things...and yeah, its partially my fault for saying yes to so many people. i don't really know though...
work has been really tough today. i went in to do stuff with steve at 1, but he wasn't there and didn't show up till 2:30. then, we didn't do what we had originally planned to do, so it was kind of a waste of time. then, i came home and did some more work stuff, but it was all discouraging because it seems like nothing is working and that i'm doing a lot of meaningless work. some people who i had thought i'd be able to sell 4 to bailed on me...
the problem is, my heart isn't in this stuff. i know i could never do it for a living. and i want to do my best, but i'm so discouraged. i wish i could just do a job that had me do tasks that were a little easier, you know? and not so time consuming and life consuming. i have other things that are WAY more important that i would rather pour all of myself into.
so, i guess i trust God. he gave me this job in the first place...he can work it out. and if it doesn't work out, what do i have to lose? i just don't want to let steve down, or quit. so, i need some help from God on this one for sure.
besides this, i'm just busy. i've been doing so much...staying up late every night - which i love to do, because its when its quiet and i can just type like this and think about stuff all by myself - the problem is waking up every morning. so that's been a little tough.
but, what is all of this stuff! its so nothing. (i know that sentence doesn't make sense, but if i said it out loud to you, it would). seriously though, my problems are so microscopically small and insignificant. they can't possibly shake the joy that i'm feeling right now.
i mean, come on... God. he's given me "immeasurably more than all i could ask or imagine." and, that's found in Christ. like, ultimate joy, forgiveness, peace...and he takes care of me amazingly. like, no one's better. look at what he's done in my life. he has rescued me entirely from darkness and given me absolute "fullness" in him. look at where he's brought me from. it's just awesome, and indescribable. i wasn't a bad kid, but i was a stuck up, religious, worrysome little guy in middle school with no confidence in myself, worried about my image and what i was appearing as to others. God took the little i could give him and just blew my mind. its crazy that i'm able to say that now because its been relatively such a short time. i can't imagine what the future's going to be like if this is what the past 4 years of my life has been like. but, i can imagine what i'd be like if God didn't rescue me...what a sad, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and worrysome kid i would be if it wasn't for the mercy and grace shown to me through Jesus Christ. what he did for me demands my whole life. and yet, its not a punishment or even really service. its actually amazing to live for God, and its amazing what we receive from God for giving him so little of ourselves. what a privilege it is to be used by him for his kingdom. how unfailing is his perfect love!
and if it just stopped at him and the love he has shown me through the cross, i'd be fine. but no, it doesn't. more than i could ever ask for or imagine, he has blessed me upon this earth.
probably second place to Christ would be addie. (its such a far off second place though...there's no comparison whatsoever. its trash compared to God, but anyways.) she is ridiculously amazing. like, its too good. and its straight from the hand of God and that's why its so good. its because its from him, and to him, and through him, and centered on him, and all about him. we both feel entirely the same way about it, and that is insane. we just started reading the bible together, and its awesome. very unique and maybe a little awkward at first, but it is just way totally cool. probably a month ago (maybe more) i ran out of adjectives to describe how amazing she is and how just crazy good our relationship is. what a blessing. every good and perfect gift truly does come from the Father of heavenly lights.
and it all centers around him - every little thing in life comes back to Christ, whether it be homework, my devotions, addie, my family, my friends, my work, or my every day life. its all about God. i'm going through this process where he's helping me to let go of all these things and trust him with them because he's so much bigger. i mean, come on, if he created these things and gave them to me, don't you think he's got the best idea of how to manage them? and so, i'm learning slowly to surrender more and more control over to him. with every little step of growth, he becomes that much sweeter. i constantly pray that God would make me truly a man after his own heart, that i would want him more, that i would yearn after him, that i would truly be in love with him. i want my whole life to be consumed by the one who created it. i want to be in love wih God. i want to wake up thinking about him, and to fall asleep while meditating on his word. when i live, i want to serve him, not out of obligation or religious duty, but out of love. and if it really is love, then service really isn't service any more. its just love. that's why i'm happy right now.
God is .
(that must be why that's what he calls himself - language is so inadequate in describing his glory)
work has been really tough today. i went in to do stuff with steve at 1, but he wasn't there and didn't show up till 2:30. then, we didn't do what we had originally planned to do, so it was kind of a waste of time. then, i came home and did some more work stuff, but it was all discouraging because it seems like nothing is working and that i'm doing a lot of meaningless work. some people who i had thought i'd be able to sell 4 to bailed on me...
the problem is, my heart isn't in this stuff. i know i could never do it for a living. and i want to do my best, but i'm so discouraged. i wish i could just do a job that had me do tasks that were a little easier, you know? and not so time consuming and life consuming. i have other things that are WAY more important that i would rather pour all of myself into.
so, i guess i trust God. he gave me this job in the first place...he can work it out. and if it doesn't work out, what do i have to lose? i just don't want to let steve down, or quit. so, i need some help from God on this one for sure.
besides this, i'm just busy. i've been doing so much...staying up late every night - which i love to do, because its when its quiet and i can just type like this and think about stuff all by myself - the problem is waking up every morning. so that's been a little tough.
but, what is all of this stuff! its so nothing. (i know that sentence doesn't make sense, but if i said it out loud to you, it would). seriously though, my problems are so microscopically small and insignificant. they can't possibly shake the joy that i'm feeling right now.
i mean, come on... God. he's given me "immeasurably more than all i could ask or imagine." and, that's found in Christ. like, ultimate joy, forgiveness, peace...and he takes care of me amazingly. like, no one's better. look at what he's done in my life. he has rescued me entirely from darkness and given me absolute "fullness" in him. look at where he's brought me from. it's just awesome, and indescribable. i wasn't a bad kid, but i was a stuck up, religious, worrysome little guy in middle school with no confidence in myself, worried about my image and what i was appearing as to others. God took the little i could give him and just blew my mind. its crazy that i'm able to say that now because its been relatively such a short time. i can't imagine what the future's going to be like if this is what the past 4 years of my life has been like. but, i can imagine what i'd be like if God didn't rescue me...what a sad, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and worrysome kid i would be if it wasn't for the mercy and grace shown to me through Jesus Christ. what he did for me demands my whole life. and yet, its not a punishment or even really service. its actually amazing to live for God, and its amazing what we receive from God for giving him so little of ourselves. what a privilege it is to be used by him for his kingdom. how unfailing is his perfect love!
and if it just stopped at him and the love he has shown me through the cross, i'd be fine. but no, it doesn't. more than i could ever ask for or imagine, he has blessed me upon this earth.
probably second place to Christ would be addie. (its such a far off second place though...there's no comparison whatsoever. its trash compared to God, but anyways.) she is ridiculously amazing. like, its too good. and its straight from the hand of God and that's why its so good. its because its from him, and to him, and through him, and centered on him, and all about him. we both feel entirely the same way about it, and that is insane. we just started reading the bible together, and its awesome. very unique and maybe a little awkward at first, but it is just way totally cool. probably a month ago (maybe more) i ran out of adjectives to describe how amazing she is and how just crazy good our relationship is. what a blessing. every good and perfect gift truly does come from the Father of heavenly lights.
and it all centers around him - every little thing in life comes back to Christ, whether it be homework, my devotions, addie, my family, my friends, my work, or my every day life. its all about God. i'm going through this process where he's helping me to let go of all these things and trust him with them because he's so much bigger. i mean, come on, if he created these things and gave them to me, don't you think he's got the best idea of how to manage them? and so, i'm learning slowly to surrender more and more control over to him. with every little step of growth, he becomes that much sweeter. i constantly pray that God would make me truly a man after his own heart, that i would want him more, that i would yearn after him, that i would truly be in love with him. i want my whole life to be consumed by the one who created it. i want to be in love wih God. i want to wake up thinking about him, and to fall asleep while meditating on his word. when i live, i want to serve him, not out of obligation or religious duty, but out of love. and if it really is love, then service really isn't service any more. its just love. that's why i'm happy right now.
God is .
(that must be why that's what he calls himself - language is so inadequate in describing his glory)
04 March 2007
Jesus.
The vision is JESUS – absolutely 100% Jesus. It’s him. Looking at him, being with him, talking to him, thinking about him, showing him, talking about him, crying to him, suffering for him, waiting on him, listening to him, meditating on him, wondering at him, trying to grasp him, bowing to him, glorifying him, following him, drawing close to him, being embraced by him, yearning for him, spending time with him, submitting to him, serving him, obeying him, knowing him, loving him, worshiping him. The vision is a captivating relationship with God made possible only through Jesus Christ, and empowered by the Holy Spirit. To Him be glory both now and forevermore! Amen!
"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."
2 peter 1:3-4
"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God."
2 corinthians 1:20
"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
2 corinthians 5:21
"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."
philippians 2:9-11
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