why i can rejoice

man, i have just been going, going, going the past couple of weeks and i'm doing well, but i'm feeling the burden right about now. i have been so busy with things...and yeah, its partially my fault for saying yes to so many people. i don't really know though...

work has been really tough today. i went in to do stuff with steve at 1, but he wasn't there and didn't show up till 2:30. then, we didn't do what we had originally planned to do, so it was kind of a waste of time. then, i came home and did some more work stuff, but it was all discouraging because it seems like nothing is working and that i'm doing a lot of meaningless work. some people who i had thought i'd be able to sell 4 to bailed on me...

the problem is, my heart isn't in this stuff. i know i could never do it for a living. and i want to do my best, but i'm so discouraged. i wish i could just do a job that had me do tasks that were a little easier, you know? and not so time consuming and life consuming. i have other things that are WAY more important that i would rather pour all of myself into.

so, i guess i trust God. he gave me this job in the first place...he can work it out. and if it doesn't work out, what do i have to lose? i just don't want to let steve down, or quit. so, i need some help from God on this one for sure.

besides this, i'm just busy. i've been doing so much...staying up late every night - which i love to do, because its when its quiet and i can just type like this and think about stuff all by myself - the problem is waking up every morning. so that's been a little tough.

but, what is all of this stuff! its so nothing. (i know that sentence doesn't make sense, but if i said it out loud to you, it would). seriously though, my problems are so microscopically small and insignificant. they can't possibly shake the joy that i'm feeling right now.

i mean, come on... God. he's given me "immeasurably more than all i could ask or imagine." and, that's found in Christ. like, ultimate joy, forgiveness, peace...and he takes care of me amazingly. like, no one's better. look at what he's done in my life. he has rescued me entirely from darkness and given me absolute "fullness" in him. look at where he's brought me from. it's just awesome, and indescribable. i wasn't a bad kid, but i was a stuck up, religious, worrysome little guy in middle school with no confidence in myself, worried about my image and what i was appearing as to others. God took the little i could give him and just blew my mind. its crazy that i'm able to say that now because its been relatively such a short time. i can't imagine what the future's going to be like if this is what the past 4 years of my life has been like. but, i can imagine what i'd be like if God didn't rescue me...what a sad, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and worrysome kid i would be if it wasn't for the mercy and grace shown to me through Jesus Christ. what he did for me demands my whole life. and yet, its not a punishment or even really service. its actually amazing to live for God, and its amazing what we receive from God for giving him so little of ourselves. what a privilege it is to be used by him for his kingdom. how unfailing is his perfect love!

and if it just stopped at him and the love he has shown me through the cross, i'd be fine. but no, it doesn't. more than i could ever ask for or imagine, he has blessed me upon this earth.

probably second place to Christ would be addie. (its such a far off second place though...there's no comparison whatsoever. its trash compared to God, but anyways.) she is ridiculously amazing. like, its too good. and its straight from the hand of God and that's why its so good. its because its from him, and to him, and through him, and centered on him, and all about him. we both feel entirely the same way about it, and that is insane. we just started reading the bible together, and its awesome. very unique and maybe a little awkward at first, but it is just way totally cool. probably a month ago (maybe more) i ran out of adjectives to describe how amazing she is and how just crazy good our relationship is. what a blessing. every good and perfect gift truly does come from the Father of heavenly lights.

and it all centers around him - every little thing in life comes back to Christ, whether it be homework, my devotions, addie, my family, my friends, my work, or my every day life. its all about God. i'm going through this process where he's helping me to let go of all these things and trust him with them because he's so much bigger. i mean, come on, if he created these things and gave them to me, don't you think he's got the best idea of how to manage them? and so, i'm learning slowly to surrender more and more control over to him. with every little step of growth, he becomes that much sweeter. i constantly pray that God would make me truly a man after his own heart, that i would want him more, that i would yearn after him, that i would truly be in love with him. i want my whole life to be consumed by the one who created it. i want to be in love wih God. i want to wake up thinking about him, and to fall asleep while meditating on his word. when i live, i want to serve him, not out of obligation or religious duty, but out of love. and if it really is love, then service really isn't service any more. its just love. that's why i'm happy right now.

God is .
(that must be why that's what he calls himself - language is so inadequate in describing his glory)