patience

here's my plan. i want to start small in this little blog, and then gradually work out from there. i'm going to start with my life and what's going on in it, and then get to stuff that you might care about. so, don't stop reading if it just seems like i'm rambling, because there is a point -

so - senior year is halfway over. in two months we have spring break, and then after spring break its like things are practically through as far as high school goes. i'm in a strange spot. i'm thinking about the future. i've got college decisions to worry about, scholarships to apply for, etc. and i'm getting pretty excited about that, but at the same time, that's a little ways off. i want to live for the here and now. and yet, it all seems like a waste, because what can i do with the time i have left? its not much, really. and, what am i doing? i went to school for like 4 hours this week and that was it. i don't have a job. my bible study just fell apart. no one comes on saturday mornings. i feel pretty alone, and i don't feel like there's really anything i could be doing that would be useful other than coming to God. i've been telling God, "i'm willing to be used by you - i'll do whatever you want me to do, i just don't know what that looks like."

sometimes i get so sucked into this worldly view that what i do in my service to God has to be something big, or it has to move along quickly with few faults. i want what i do for God to be notable, like a friend of mine coming to Christ, or getting to help someone who is really hurting, or participating in an amazing worship service.

right now, none of that is happening. in fact, it all seems to be just about the opposite. some of my friends appear to be doing pretty poorly, my youth group seems flat at times, and i feel like there's not even anyone that i'm even witnessing to.

i was telling all of this to addie last night, and she's pretty much amazing. its weird, because after i talk with her, things make better sense in my head than before. we both agreed that we don't seem to be doing stuff, and sort of left it at that.

then, today (today! is it random that after all this was sort of worrying me that God would respond like this?! you make the call) God has been doing some pretty cool stuff. it kinda started with an email that i received from this girl at 24-7 prayer (see 24-7prayer.com). they want to do a story about our week of prayer, here in little old salem, oregon. its not like its a huge deal that we're getting a story written about this, because honestly i didn't really feel anything special during our church-wide week of prayer. it was sort of like God saying, "hey, look - you didn't feel like anything special was going on, but i did and that's what matters. it may be small in your eyes, but its big to me."

then, i went on a huge long walk with one of my friends. we've been hanging out pretty much every friday since like november, and i was a little discouraged because things weren't going quite as i had hoped they would (my expectations are kinda high). he said something that wasn't big in itself, but it really opened my eyes. he told me that he was really going for it with God now, that he told God that he's all in and that it didn't matter if he lost friends or whatever - it was worth it to him. and hey, he's not perfect. he doesn't read his bible a whole lot, and he's just started to get back into going to church, but oh how encouraging to me that was!

here's where it begins to get big. there are two points that i want to make. the first one's short. brother lawrence said in his book that it matters not the greatness of the work, but the greatness of the love that motivates that work. how counter-cultural! it doesn't matter how big of a job God gives us to do, but the love that propels that work in the way it is carried out. too often i, and maybe some of you, desire to do great things for God, and then get discouraged when nothing big seems to be happening. this is such a worldly perspective for me to have, and so selfish. of course we should be ambitious, and pray big, but it doesn't matter how great of a work we do. all work that God gives to us is in his grace - it is a priviledge to fight for the kingdom of God. in 2 corinthians God inspires Paul to write that God has "committed to us" this ministry of reconciliation (2 cor 5). its all a gift. so, whatever we do, no matter the size of the work, we must do it with the greatest amount of love possible, because this is what really matters.

secondly: God showed me that i was being used by him in ways that i didn't even recognize because i felt like they were too small. however, these small things add up slowly over time. even though we might only see something big, or even see something God has done, every few months or maybe longer, we must remember that there are little, tedious pieces of work put into that large moment. i remember brian macswan preaching to us - little things invested over a large amount of time reap enormous results. this is true in so many aspects of life - why shouldn't it apply in ministry? when i let God love through me to other people, it may take a while to see that person change...months, years, who knows. maybe God will use some little thing that i did in high school for someone 30 years down the road to convict him of his sin and turn him to God. who knows? PATIENCE in service is key, evne when things seem pointless.

so, this message is for me as well as all of you - don't get discouraged if things don't seem to be happening...whether those things are in your tangible life or in your relationship with God. when things seem pointless, it is easiest to give up...and many do. but we must not give up during the hard times. it is those times of hardship which refine our faith and teach us more than any other time in life. if you don't feel close to God, don't give up spending time with God in prayer and in his word. if don't seem to be growing, don't quit now. if you don't seem to be doing anything for God, don't stop now, don't get discouraged. i'm convinced that these times of trial are the most important times of all. if you will remain faithful to God, he promises to be faithful to you. hebrews 10:23 says, "let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." God has promised to bring this work to completion in our hearts, and to use us for his purposes. we must hold unswervingly to that hope by following hard after him, by seeking him in prayer more than ever, and by being vulnerable before him and other people. God will not, and has never let us down. he has the plan, not us. and, gosh, if he created us, i'm sure he knows the best way to bring us to him, and to use us in the ministry he has committed to us.

the journey

talking with aaron tonight made me want to post this. plus, it has some stuff to do with the new year and all that good stuff. so, here it is. i wrote this at about midnight in a hotel room in germany after basically telling God how i didn't get what he was doing with me. he directed me perfectly to philippians 2:12-13, and these are some of the things he revealed to me that warm summer night in stuttgart...

This past school year has been quite a journey. It has had its ups and its downs, probably more extreme than ever. I have learned what it means to emotionally suffer for Christ, how to be real with God, what it is to really experience a glimpse of God, and a lot more about balance. I have become much wiser, gained more maturity than before. I have grown so much this past year.
And yet, the more I grow, the more I experience Christ, the more he reminds me that I sure do have a long ways to go. My attempt to have a consistently “good” relationship with Christ is boring and unnatural and unrealistic. My relationship with Christ is just that: a relationship. Its going to change, going to have its ups and downs and will probably never perfectly repeat itself. And God isn’t stupid. He understands how to change a life and bring it to holiness. He knows that sometimes its going to be hard, that sometimes us humans will mess up. But that is the great thing about it, and I think where God takes his joy. He loves to see someone that is completely worthless and broken and failing become a world changer through His own power. So, there will be times of hardship or transition or whatever, but hey, God is still in control and he understands.
There will even be times where we don’t seem to be doing anything or are “failing.” Well, these times are normal and happen frequently. Even if people aren’t coming to know Christ through that person, God is still pleased. I think the important thing to God is if there is still desire, or a deep long, or something that is doing its best to follow Him and obey. That’s what makes God happy. God has promised to carry out the work he started in us until the day of completion. Ultimately, he is in control. We have chosen to follow Christ. He’s leading us along the narrow path. At times, we get tired, distracted, or fall down really hard, but Jesus is always right in front of us. When we cry out to Him for help, he never fails to lift us back up again. Sometimes he yanks us up pretty hard. And so, we continue along our journey in life with God. We don’t know the way. That’s his job. And the destination?

HOLINESS!

Therefore my dear friends, as you have always obeyed – not only in my presence but now much more in my absence – continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, FOR IT IS GOD WHO WORKS IN YOU TO WILL AND TO ACT ACCORDING TO HIS GOOD PURPOSE.
Philippians 2:12-13

christmas eve...

this past week has been a pretty tough one...dealing with a lot of confusion and feeling really out of control (which i am). there is just so much uncertainty to life, you know? like, at one point you feel you've got everything going for you and things are perfectly in line...and its exactly what God wants too. then, things get mixed up. you're totally out of control and don't know what is going to happen next. the way you saw things happening has just been thrown out the window and now there's something new, completely uncertain, and entirely confusing. that is my situation...vaguely.

i have spent the past few days wrestling with my thoughts and trying to let go of my plan. there's this internal struggle going on where i know that God has a plan, but i so want my way. it seems so much better right now, you know? it always does. but, it also always comes down to trust, just like any relationship. except in this one God demands a lot more, and our trust is well placed in him. so, he's telling me to trust him with this one...more than ever before. there's so much uncertainty surrounding it though. there's potential for disaster in this...and God's saying to do it his way?! well, what other choice do i have? and its the best one...its just so hard to do.


i haven't really gotten into the christmas spirit until tonight. this week i've been studying, and God has been revealing to me how his plan has always been Christ. and this holiday, at the core, is to celebrate Christ's coming. and if we think about it that way, its to celebrate God's love, our salvation, and Christ's sacrifice. so, tonight i was playing the piano for a while. i started of singing, "there is nothing like your love" - a song by united, but that's the only part i really know so i sang that over and over again. then i played "lord you have my heart"...classic. and then, this is where it really started to hit me. i played "the nails in your hands"...another classic. but, ah, the words are so powerful...and really so fitting for a night like tonight. let me show them to you:

"the nails in Your hands, the nails in Your feet, they tell me how much you love me.
the thorns on your brow, they tell me how you bore so much shame to love me.
and when the heavens pass away, all your scars will still remain. and forever they will say how much you love me. and all i want to say:
forever my love, forever my heart, forever my life is yours."

an old, familiar song, but the words are so powerful. its all about Christ's love - how he came down to earth, born to die. he had one mission - to save the world from their sin. he loved us that much. he humbled himself to be killed by his own creation so that those that killed him might receive life. and those thorns, those scars, the nail marks...they will forever remind us all of Christ's unfathomable love. the love that Christ gave demands our entire life - and all of our trust. who better to put all of your trust in than the one that has already given you everything! (2 peter 1:3).

after playing that song, i continued to play my favorite christmas song, and one of the few i like: "o come let us adore him." isn't it weird that our God came as a baby!? like, just think about it. God, the glorious, majestic creator of the universe, the one that we cannot possibly explain or understand, sent Christ as a baby. it would be weird for us as humans to bow down to any baby, because they don't know anything yet and aren't leaders of any kind. but then, to think that baby could be the savior of the world, the lover of our hearts. how strange, but awe-some.

Christ deserves all the praise, and we need to give it to him. Come, let us adore the king, come as a baby, born to save us from sin and call us into the glorious light. let us adore the one who loves us with an unfailing love. let us adore the one who will never leave us nor forsake us. let us adore the one from whom we have received every spiritual blessing. Come let us adore Christ the LORD!

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death -
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."

philippians 2:5-11

worry

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the filed grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-matthew 6:25-34

yesterday as i was praying, i realized that i've been doing a lot of worrying lately. this, of course, has been brought on by circumstances, and all seem to be interrealated in some fashion. i haven't been doing too much since soccer has been over. my original intention was to get a job and start working to support myself. i hate asking my parents for money...i would rather earn it. so, i applied for a job. i've been waiting to see if i'd get it, and i got a call last week letting me know that they weren't hiring. also, with all the time that i've had since i don't do anything anymore, i've started to really work on some college stuff, which has got me thinking about the future. first of all, i have no clue where i'm supposed to go to college. i wish i could just know right now, but i don't, and so i wait on God. as i have been looking into college, i've been thinking about what i'll be doing after college. i feel like i have been called to ministry. however, i don't have any clue what that looks like. that worries me, because there is absolutely no security in it. and then, finally, there's the issue of females, which i won't go into. maybe if you ask me later i'll tell you about that...

anyway, i read this passage last night. i just love verse 33..."but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." although it is difficult to wait on God and to have faith, he makes an amazing promise to us here. Jesus says that he knows what we need, and he's big enough to give it to us. all he says for us to do is to seek after "his kingdom and his righteousness." that's huge! Jesus is essentially saying, "Hey, you, follow me and i'll give you everything you could possibly need...and then some." this reminds me of what peter writes in his second letter: "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" (2 peter 1:3). God's given us everything we could possibly need, both for life and for godliness, and all we're called to do is to know him. basically God has offered us everything in Christ, and all we have do do is accept it and trust Him. colossians 2:10 says, "and you have been given fullness in Christ..."

if God is who he says he is, then we've got absolutely nothing to worry about. all he's trying to do is develop our character so that we can better give him the glory that His glory demands of us. in my situation, he is simply increasing my faith. if i really do want to give God the glory that He deserves, then I must have more and more faith, because hebrews 11:6 says that it is impossible to please God without faith. so, i must wait on Christ in faith. he's made me huge promises, and all i have to do is continually rely on him to bring those about.

and to think that i could do a better job on my own...

God, I'm sorry for trying to take things into my own hands too often. Thank you so much for the promises that you have made me in your word. I pray that you would increase my faith so that I might more heavily rely on you, the source of life, for my life. Do as you please to bring me to where you want me to be. You deserve all of me, and I pray that you would take all of me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

only a beggar

i can't believe what patience God has for me. he's given me everything already, and yet i have this terrible tendency to wander from him to other things, even unconsciously. i just can't cut it. i can't do it. i can't live up to what God has called me to. its frustrating...and yet it is so perfect, because God receives more glory from it. he takes joy in picking me up after i fall. he loves to work through the broken tool that i am so that he might receive more glory and more joy. i'm so destitute and broken. i'm a beggar, and yet i'm treated like a son of the King. i am so far out of control. it is all God, and my life rests in his hands. i can't do anything but ask him to take me, because only he has the power to change my heart.

awake my soul! sing to your Savior and your King! lift your gaze from the things of this world and turn it upwards to the God of Light and of surpassing Glory. O praise Him, my soul!

take me, Lord. it is all you. i'm recklessly abandoned to your. help me to let go of my life, to die to myself and follow you no matter the cost.

tonight

its amazing how quickly things in life change. one minute you can be doing amazingly well, have everything going for you, and the next minute you just feel like crap and that things are so frustrating. maybe its a little bit of an exaggeration, but that's how today has been for me. God's been blessing me so very much, and its been awesome and i feel so overwhelmed by his love. today i just had to laugh at God because he was probably laughing at me because i was so happy about some little blessing he gave me during the day. i've been given opportunities to impact other's lives, and its not like i do anything...they just sort of drop in my lap. its amazing how it works. it never seems like i do anything, but it always is so awesome because of that. i know its all God and he's choosing to used a messed up guy like me to impact others.

oh how quickly things seem to change. and its not that God has changed, its just circumstances. i was on my way to hang out with some friends, and i just was praying that God would keep me in this place of nothingness and empty-handedness, because that is where i fit, and where God wants me. i prayed to be made weak, and i prayed that God would do whatever he wanted in my life to draw me closer to him. so to summarize, tonight has been extremely frustrating. i feel so bad, and ah, i don't even know. like i've said before relationships can be so difficult. and they should be because we should have to work at something that is valuable, and since they are probably the most valuable thing upon this earth, then they should hurt from time to time.

although i'm down and angry (sorry i won't go into specifics), you've always gotta end with hope, because hope does not disappoint, and there is always hope. that hope is always found in Christ. none of these things matter. changing circumstances don't matter, they're just a tool that God is using to refine me and to bring me into a more intimate love relationship with him, which is "surpassing"ly greater than anything else imaginable.

so, my rant ends with this message of hope found in two places in the Word. first of all, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - romans 8:28. this is a fairly familiar passage that has huge implications. that means that what happened today in my life, both good and bad, was for my good. well, the question then becomes, "what is 'good?'" well, in james we read that every good and perfect gift comes from God. and the ultimate "good" would be that perfect relationship with Jesus Christ. so, we could then say that everything works out within God's plan to bring me closer to him so that i may experience more joy and more blessing. so, that's that. God's in control, and he will do whatever it takes to bring me deeper into him. i love him.

secondly, i read this passage again today with a friend. in hebrews 10:23, we read, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. " and so, i must hold firm to the hope that i have, which is that God is in control and is working everything out for my good. why? because God is SO FAITHFUL!

Oh God, You are an amazing God. You have given me more than I ever could have dreamed or imagined. You saved me from death and judgment, and then You've given me infinite joy. How could I ever be depressed. But, somehow, the circumstances of life seem to get to me, and I forget about You. I'm so sorry God that I can't give You what Your gifts and glory demands. Thanks for taking me as I am. Help me to live a life worthy of the calling that You've given me. Help me to have the right attitude in the midst of difficulty. Help me to praise You and to seek You no matter what the circumstances. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

soccer season in review

today was the end of our playoff run, and a 3 month chunk of my life. we lost to mcminnville today in overtime. we had the game, and we let it slip away from us. there's a lot of reasons for this happening, and so there's a lot of "what if" situations, but the fact is we're done. my reaction to this was surprising to myself. i wasn't nearly as disappointed as i expected to be. see, i play with emotion, and i get upset after many games in which i don't play good or we lose. but, today was different. i was a little disappointed, but more than that I was proud. i was proud of our accomplishments as a team. we made it further than any other saxon team in the 28 years soccer has been a school sport. our coach called us the best team south has ever had, and at the end of today's game he said that we were the best seniors that he's ever had, which is quite an honor. i got first team all league, played nearly every minute, and was given the privilege of captaining the greatest team south's ever had. and, to top it all off...this all happened in my senior year. what a great way to end my career...

but, more than all the honors, the trophies, the hype, and the fans, the greatest joy that i've found in this season has been what God has done through it. he's just been amazing. from the very beginning it was all about him. i've been struggling with injuries for the past year, and so this season wasn't too high on the priority list. i just wanted it to be a tool for God to use. he seriously gave me the talent that i have, and so i wanted to give it back to him. so, i did. its been quite a journey, and its had its bumps, its high and low points, but in retrospect, i am so proud. i've had amazing chances to both show and share the love of Christ with my teammates and my coaches. i resolved to play all for God's glory, especially during the playoffs. it has all been a gift. i wanted to make God proud by the way that i played, and i believe he is pleased. its been an awesome season...

relationships

relationships can be so amazing at times. they're really what we live for, and what its all about. and yet, sometimes relationships can be so difficult. i'm not just talking about dating relationships or relationships with the opposite sex. i'm talking about interaction with other human beings. friendships...

some people can seem to make so much sense for such a long time, and then there comes a random point where they don't. they don't make any sense at all. they do something that is totally irrational in your perspective. conflict...it really really blows.

right now i feel like i'm in the midst of a lot of conflict in my relationships. i feel so confused and just lost. tonight i sat on my bed for like an hour trying to figure out what happened earlier. i still don't get it. i feel so alone. there's hardly anyone who really pursues me and takes the time to know me. it is frustrating.

yet, within the midst of all these emotions and conflict and badness, there is one thing that sticks out...one relationship that will never fail me.

someone wrote this to me last february, and i feel like it really speaks to the time that i'm in right now -

"earlier you said that you would be willing to give anything to God to get to that deeper level with Him, and maybe this is it. maybe His plan is for you to completely, in all ways, depend on Him, and not on the people around you, to find your joy, strength, peace, and satisfaction."

with the apparent silence and dryness that has been in my relationship with God lately, it is easy for me to look for that satisfaction through other relationships. of course that's stupid of me, but its natural. i guess i just have to keep pressing on to know Christ, remembering that everything else, when compared to the surpassing greatness of my relationship with Christ Jesus, is TRASH! hate to break it to you, but whoever you are reading this, the relationship i have to you is rubbish when compared to my relationship with God. when compared to that relationship, Jesus said that all of our other loves should be as hatred.

so, i guess all i can do is to keep my vision narrowly focused upon the face of the one who loves me more than anyone else on this world could ever dream of. it'll be worth it