tonight

its amazing how quickly things in life change. one minute you can be doing amazingly well, have everything going for you, and the next minute you just feel like crap and that things are so frustrating. maybe its a little bit of an exaggeration, but that's how today has been for me. God's been blessing me so very much, and its been awesome and i feel so overwhelmed by his love. today i just had to laugh at God because he was probably laughing at me because i was so happy about some little blessing he gave me during the day. i've been given opportunities to impact other's lives, and its not like i do anything...they just sort of drop in my lap. its amazing how it works. it never seems like i do anything, but it always is so awesome because of that. i know its all God and he's choosing to used a messed up guy like me to impact others.

oh how quickly things seem to change. and its not that God has changed, its just circumstances. i was on my way to hang out with some friends, and i just was praying that God would keep me in this place of nothingness and empty-handedness, because that is where i fit, and where God wants me. i prayed to be made weak, and i prayed that God would do whatever he wanted in my life to draw me closer to him. so to summarize, tonight has been extremely frustrating. i feel so bad, and ah, i don't even know. like i've said before relationships can be so difficult. and they should be because we should have to work at something that is valuable, and since they are probably the most valuable thing upon this earth, then they should hurt from time to time.

although i'm down and angry (sorry i won't go into specifics), you've always gotta end with hope, because hope does not disappoint, and there is always hope. that hope is always found in Christ. none of these things matter. changing circumstances don't matter, they're just a tool that God is using to refine me and to bring me into a more intimate love relationship with him, which is "surpassing"ly greater than anything else imaginable.

so, my rant ends with this message of hope found in two places in the Word. first of all, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - romans 8:28. this is a fairly familiar passage that has huge implications. that means that what happened today in my life, both good and bad, was for my good. well, the question then becomes, "what is 'good?'" well, in james we read that every good and perfect gift comes from God. and the ultimate "good" would be that perfect relationship with Jesus Christ. so, we could then say that everything works out within God's plan to bring me closer to him so that i may experience more joy and more blessing. so, that's that. God's in control, and he will do whatever it takes to bring me deeper into him. i love him.

secondly, i read this passage again today with a friend. in hebrews 10:23, we read, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. " and so, i must hold firm to the hope that i have, which is that God is in control and is working everything out for my good. why? because God is SO FAITHFUL!

Oh God, You are an amazing God. You have given me more than I ever could have dreamed or imagined. You saved me from death and judgment, and then You've given me infinite joy. How could I ever be depressed. But, somehow, the circumstances of life seem to get to me, and I forget about You. I'm so sorry God that I can't give You what Your gifts and glory demands. Thanks for taking me as I am. Help me to live a life worthy of the calling that You've given me. Help me to have the right attitude in the midst of difficulty. Help me to praise You and to seek You no matter what the circumstances. In Jesus' Name, Amen.