humbled once again

tomorrow morning i leave with my church on a missions trip to navajo nation. this has already been a strange trip, just because of the place my heart is in right now...

here it is. my heart. ah...i just feel like i've been going through the motions for a few days. i mean, its been good some of the time, but i know that i could be giving more to God, and i know that God wants more of me. if you read my blog entitled, "desire of ages" you will see what God's really been challenging me with lately - to love him. no, to really love him. not just to religiously follow him, but to be consumed with passion at the name of Jesus. i want to think about him, and to dwell on him, to give him all that i have only to know him just a little more. and that's what his love demands of me.

well, that was the challenge. i've felt this before. and i've failed at it before, falling back into my old, but comfortable ways. its been tough recently. there's excitement right after God teaches you something new, or your life changes just a little bit. but, when it gets hard, or you fail, then its just a lot easier to give in and live like you'd been living before God told you to change. and that's what's happened. i was super excited about it for probably a week or two. then, i lost the feelings. i continued on, but it was tough. i've kept going, and its been hard, but nothing like the beginning, and i know that God wants more of my love. i know i can love him more. i know that i've settled right here. i know that i've failed.

my problem is this. i'm prideful. i don't like admitting that i've made a mistake, even to myself. so, this past week has just been me trying to ignore my failure and press on to know God solely on my own effort. its no fun at all.

tonight i was thinking about my journey through life a little, and how pride and failure have played such a huge role. i have known that my problem has been pride for such a long time. i've prayed and prayed that God would clothe me with humility and give me a right view of myself...and he's definitely changing me. i must be patient in it though. its funny though, because the way he is helping me become more perfect in this area of humility is just long and slow. want to know what God's main method for humbling me is?

personal failure.

and it makes perfect sense, right? if i think i'm really good at something and have got it all together in an area, focusing too much on myself and almost entirely forgetting that God is the one that is actually responsible for the good, God simply removes his hand, and i fail. its perfectly simple, and perfectly wise. the problem is, i don't like to fail. and i don't like to admit that i've failed.

and so, i've failed again. i'm not loving God like his love demands of me. what do i do now? (this is the amazing part, and i just smiled thinking about it). i repent, and run back into forgiving arms of the One who died for me. his love truly is an "unfailing love." ah, i just love how faithful God is! it gives me so much confidence in my God.


this trip has already been difficult, and i haven't even left. but, God is faithful, and he will surely hear our prayers. he will answer in the power that he alone holds in his hands - that power is for all who believe through the mighty working of the Holy Spirit. for from him, and through him, and to him are all things! and that is my prayer for this trip, Lord. its from you - an opportunity to love you back, to get to know you more. its completely through you - its all your power and strength at work in us and through us. and, of course, all the glory always goes to you - may our eyes be firmly fixed upon your love, and let all that surrounds fade rapidly away at the revelation of your glory. amen (so be it).

why i can rejoice

man, i have just been going, going, going the past couple of weeks and i'm doing well, but i'm feeling the burden right about now. i have been so busy with things...and yeah, its partially my fault for saying yes to so many people. i don't really know though...

work has been really tough today. i went in to do stuff with steve at 1, but he wasn't there and didn't show up till 2:30. then, we didn't do what we had originally planned to do, so it was kind of a waste of time. then, i came home and did some more work stuff, but it was all discouraging because it seems like nothing is working and that i'm doing a lot of meaningless work. some people who i had thought i'd be able to sell 4 to bailed on me...

the problem is, my heart isn't in this stuff. i know i could never do it for a living. and i want to do my best, but i'm so discouraged. i wish i could just do a job that had me do tasks that were a little easier, you know? and not so time consuming and life consuming. i have other things that are WAY more important that i would rather pour all of myself into.

so, i guess i trust God. he gave me this job in the first place...he can work it out. and if it doesn't work out, what do i have to lose? i just don't want to let steve down, or quit. so, i need some help from God on this one for sure.

besides this, i'm just busy. i've been doing so much...staying up late every night - which i love to do, because its when its quiet and i can just type like this and think about stuff all by myself - the problem is waking up every morning. so that's been a little tough.

but, what is all of this stuff! its so nothing. (i know that sentence doesn't make sense, but if i said it out loud to you, it would). seriously though, my problems are so microscopically small and insignificant. they can't possibly shake the joy that i'm feeling right now.

i mean, come on... God. he's given me "immeasurably more than all i could ask or imagine." and, that's found in Christ. like, ultimate joy, forgiveness, peace...and he takes care of me amazingly. like, no one's better. look at what he's done in my life. he has rescued me entirely from darkness and given me absolute "fullness" in him. look at where he's brought me from. it's just awesome, and indescribable. i wasn't a bad kid, but i was a stuck up, religious, worrysome little guy in middle school with no confidence in myself, worried about my image and what i was appearing as to others. God took the little i could give him and just blew my mind. its crazy that i'm able to say that now because its been relatively such a short time. i can't imagine what the future's going to be like if this is what the past 4 years of my life has been like. but, i can imagine what i'd be like if God didn't rescue me...what a sad, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and worrysome kid i would be if it wasn't for the mercy and grace shown to me through Jesus Christ. what he did for me demands my whole life. and yet, its not a punishment or even really service. its actually amazing to live for God, and its amazing what we receive from God for giving him so little of ourselves. what a privilege it is to be used by him for his kingdom. how unfailing is his perfect love!

and if it just stopped at him and the love he has shown me through the cross, i'd be fine. but no, it doesn't. more than i could ever ask for or imagine, he has blessed me upon this earth.

probably second place to Christ would be addie. (its such a far off second place though...there's no comparison whatsoever. its trash compared to God, but anyways.) she is ridiculously amazing. like, its too good. and its straight from the hand of God and that's why its so good. its because its from him, and to him, and through him, and centered on him, and all about him. we both feel entirely the same way about it, and that is insane. we just started reading the bible together, and its awesome. very unique and maybe a little awkward at first, but it is just way totally cool. probably a month ago (maybe more) i ran out of adjectives to describe how amazing she is and how just crazy good our relationship is. what a blessing. every good and perfect gift truly does come from the Father of heavenly lights.

and it all centers around him - every little thing in life comes back to Christ, whether it be homework, my devotions, addie, my family, my friends, my work, or my every day life. its all about God. i'm going through this process where he's helping me to let go of all these things and trust him with them because he's so much bigger. i mean, come on, if he created these things and gave them to me, don't you think he's got the best idea of how to manage them? and so, i'm learning slowly to surrender more and more control over to him. with every little step of growth, he becomes that much sweeter. i constantly pray that God would make me truly a man after his own heart, that i would want him more, that i would yearn after him, that i would truly be in love with him. i want my whole life to be consumed by the one who created it. i want to be in love wih God. i want to wake up thinking about him, and to fall asleep while meditating on his word. when i live, i want to serve him, not out of obligation or religious duty, but out of love. and if it really is love, then service really isn't service any more. its just love. that's why i'm happy right now.

God is .
(that must be why that's what he calls himself - language is so inadequate in describing his glory)

Jesus.

The vision is JESUS – absolutely 100% Jesus. It’s him. Looking at him, being with him, talking to him, thinking about him, showing him, talking about him, crying to him, suffering for him, waiting on him, listening to him, meditating on him, wondering at him, trying to grasp him, bowing to him, glorifying him, following him, drawing close to him, being embraced by him, yearning for him, spending time with him, submitting to him, serving him, obeying him, knowing him, loving him, worshiping him. The vision is a captivating relationship with God made possible only through Jesus Christ, and empowered by the Holy Spirit. To Him be glory both now and forevermore! Amen!

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."

2 peter 1:3-4

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God."

2 corinthians 1:20

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

2 corinthians 5:21

"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father."

philippians 2:9-11

"desire of ages"

a friend of mine at school named henry gave me a book called "desire of ages" the other day. the cover definitely made me laugh because it reminded me of sunday school flannel graph 1990 Jesus.

i finished my journal last week. it was so sweet...like, the best feeling in the world is finishing something, you know? and i definitely loved it. i was reading over it the other day, and i basically read from the beginning, which started at the beginning of last summer, to the beginning of the school year. it's pretty cool to be able to step back and take a look at all that God has been working out in me.


i guess the biggest change that God has been doing in my life recently is just a call to himself - really, a turning to look intently into his glory every moment of every day.

one of the biggest questions that came up while i was reading my journal was why things seemed to not be going so well. i was also confused by the circumstances...board out of your mind just made me think a lot about God's purposes in my life and in my church/school/city. i also read about the deep, passionate love that God had put in me after my experiences last year. i cried once at the beginning of the summer because i longed to be with God so badly. i also spent a week on a boat, practically alone with God in the middle of nowhere in Belize - it was amazing.

i have been realizing this week that my love for God hasn't quite been where it should be recently. i know we talk about the personal relationship a lot, and we say we love God all the time, but think about it. do i really love God? and, what does it look like to love God? beside my journal, two other things really have been causing me to think about this. first, i listened to this message by Francis Chan and it was really good. he said a couple things that impacted me, and i can't describe it so i won't...but it was awesome. (if you want to listen to it i can give it to you, just let me know.) the other thing that really impacted me was addie. last wednesday we had a "quiet time" together, and it was unlike anything i've ever done, but it was so cool. she asked me one question that really has been impacting me this week. she asked me, "how much do you think about God?" and, i sort of hesitated. i didn't know quite what to say...because i do think about God, just not really for the sake of thinking about him. i would think about ministry opportunities, but not just to think about God because he's beautiful. Francis Chan was talking about this in his message too - how service to God isn't really service if you really love him. and he made the analogy to relationships, esp his relationship with his wife. like, he loved her so much that the first couple weeks of dating her he asked to borrow her car, then got all new tires on it, filled the gas tank and got it detailed. and it made him happy to do it! like, i would give anything to buy addie dinner or wash her car or take her somewhere or whatever. i want to do that...its not service because i love her. anyway, back to addie and her question. i then was thinking of how much i thought about addie and the way i thought about her versus the way i thought about God. for God, i think about what to do and what would be the best way to do it or whatever. for addie, i just think about her - who she is, how amazing she is, times we've spent together, etc. so, i thought to myself, why don't i think about God like that!? why doesn't he distract me from my homework, why don't i spend time just daydreaming about him? and then, just her example really challenges me. she isn't leading a revival or converting hundreds of people...she's just loving God, and that's it. that's all she wants.

that's all i want to...or i want that to be all i want. i want to spend all of myself for God. i just want to know him, and that's it. i don't need to do things for him or lead anything. i just want to be a man after his own heart, entirely infatuated with him, head over heels, nothing holding me back from going after him with all i've got. i want to have only one goal in life - to know God, to love him. everything else is loss compared to this, and everything that is good comes from him in the first place.

the thing i most respect in christian leaders is their love for God. bill bright, the founder of campus crusade for christ, started balling when he was asked what jesus meant to him. you can sense the passion in the voices of people like francis chan, louie giglio, judah smith, and john piper. i don't want to just do big things for God. i want to love God and let him take me wherever he wants.


"O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I want to be wholly yours, but I simply can't do it. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O Lord God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made thirsty still. Show me your glory and reveal yourself to me so that I may know you indeed. Begin in mercy an new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me the grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered for so long.
In Jesus' Name, Amen."
-adapted from The Pursuit of God by A. W. Tozer

poster

so, i figured it was time to lighten up the mood of my blog slightly...because although i love thinking, sometimes its just good to have fun and not think about anything too serious.

today, erin and addie made fun of me for making a poster of myself (seen below), but i know that they are just jealous. soon enought they will be making posters of themselves. see, don't you want to make a poster of yourself now too? it only took a few hours one day. and its like a childhood dream of mine to have a poster of myself. i think i'm going to print it out big and hang it up on my wall next to thierry henry.

patience

here's my plan. i want to start small in this little blog, and then gradually work out from there. i'm going to start with my life and what's going on in it, and then get to stuff that you might care about. so, don't stop reading if it just seems like i'm rambling, because there is a point -

so - senior year is halfway over. in two months we have spring break, and then after spring break its like things are practically through as far as high school goes. i'm in a strange spot. i'm thinking about the future. i've got college decisions to worry about, scholarships to apply for, etc. and i'm getting pretty excited about that, but at the same time, that's a little ways off. i want to live for the here and now. and yet, it all seems like a waste, because what can i do with the time i have left? its not much, really. and, what am i doing? i went to school for like 4 hours this week and that was it. i don't have a job. my bible study just fell apart. no one comes on saturday mornings. i feel pretty alone, and i don't feel like there's really anything i could be doing that would be useful other than coming to God. i've been telling God, "i'm willing to be used by you - i'll do whatever you want me to do, i just don't know what that looks like."

sometimes i get so sucked into this worldly view that what i do in my service to God has to be something big, or it has to move along quickly with few faults. i want what i do for God to be notable, like a friend of mine coming to Christ, or getting to help someone who is really hurting, or participating in an amazing worship service.

right now, none of that is happening. in fact, it all seems to be just about the opposite. some of my friends appear to be doing pretty poorly, my youth group seems flat at times, and i feel like there's not even anyone that i'm even witnessing to.

i was telling all of this to addie last night, and she's pretty much amazing. its weird, because after i talk with her, things make better sense in my head than before. we both agreed that we don't seem to be doing stuff, and sort of left it at that.

then, today (today! is it random that after all this was sort of worrying me that God would respond like this?! you make the call) God has been doing some pretty cool stuff. it kinda started with an email that i received from this girl at 24-7 prayer (see 24-7prayer.com). they want to do a story about our week of prayer, here in little old salem, oregon. its not like its a huge deal that we're getting a story written about this, because honestly i didn't really feel anything special during our church-wide week of prayer. it was sort of like God saying, "hey, look - you didn't feel like anything special was going on, but i did and that's what matters. it may be small in your eyes, but its big to me."

then, i went on a huge long walk with one of my friends. we've been hanging out pretty much every friday since like november, and i was a little discouraged because things weren't going quite as i had hoped they would (my expectations are kinda high). he said something that wasn't big in itself, but it really opened my eyes. he told me that he was really going for it with God now, that he told God that he's all in and that it didn't matter if he lost friends or whatever - it was worth it to him. and hey, he's not perfect. he doesn't read his bible a whole lot, and he's just started to get back into going to church, but oh how encouraging to me that was!

here's where it begins to get big. there are two points that i want to make. the first one's short. brother lawrence said in his book that it matters not the greatness of the work, but the greatness of the love that motivates that work. how counter-cultural! it doesn't matter how big of a job God gives us to do, but the love that propels that work in the way it is carried out. too often i, and maybe some of you, desire to do great things for God, and then get discouraged when nothing big seems to be happening. this is such a worldly perspective for me to have, and so selfish. of course we should be ambitious, and pray big, but it doesn't matter how great of a work we do. all work that God gives to us is in his grace - it is a priviledge to fight for the kingdom of God. in 2 corinthians God inspires Paul to write that God has "committed to us" this ministry of reconciliation (2 cor 5). its all a gift. so, whatever we do, no matter the size of the work, we must do it with the greatest amount of love possible, because this is what really matters.

secondly: God showed me that i was being used by him in ways that i didn't even recognize because i felt like they were too small. however, these small things add up slowly over time. even though we might only see something big, or even see something God has done, every few months or maybe longer, we must remember that there are little, tedious pieces of work put into that large moment. i remember brian macswan preaching to us - little things invested over a large amount of time reap enormous results. this is true in so many aspects of life - why shouldn't it apply in ministry? when i let God love through me to other people, it may take a while to see that person change...months, years, who knows. maybe God will use some little thing that i did in high school for someone 30 years down the road to convict him of his sin and turn him to God. who knows? PATIENCE in service is key, evne when things seem pointless.

so, this message is for me as well as all of you - don't get discouraged if things don't seem to be happening...whether those things are in your tangible life or in your relationship with God. when things seem pointless, it is easiest to give up...and many do. but we must not give up during the hard times. it is those times of hardship which refine our faith and teach us more than any other time in life. if you don't feel close to God, don't give up spending time with God in prayer and in his word. if don't seem to be growing, don't quit now. if you don't seem to be doing anything for God, don't stop now, don't get discouraged. i'm convinced that these times of trial are the most important times of all. if you will remain faithful to God, he promises to be faithful to you. hebrews 10:23 says, "let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." God has promised to bring this work to completion in our hearts, and to use us for his purposes. we must hold unswervingly to that hope by following hard after him, by seeking him in prayer more than ever, and by being vulnerable before him and other people. God will not, and has never let us down. he has the plan, not us. and, gosh, if he created us, i'm sure he knows the best way to bring us to him, and to use us in the ministry he has committed to us.

the journey

talking with aaron tonight made me want to post this. plus, it has some stuff to do with the new year and all that good stuff. so, here it is. i wrote this at about midnight in a hotel room in germany after basically telling God how i didn't get what he was doing with me. he directed me perfectly to philippians 2:12-13, and these are some of the things he revealed to me that warm summer night in stuttgart...

This past school year has been quite a journey. It has had its ups and its downs, probably more extreme than ever. I have learned what it means to emotionally suffer for Christ, how to be real with God, what it is to really experience a glimpse of God, and a lot more about balance. I have become much wiser, gained more maturity than before. I have grown so much this past year.
And yet, the more I grow, the more I experience Christ, the more he reminds me that I sure do have a long ways to go. My attempt to have a consistently “good” relationship with Christ is boring and unnatural and unrealistic. My relationship with Christ is just that: a relationship. Its going to change, going to have its ups and downs and will probably never perfectly repeat itself. And God isn’t stupid. He understands how to change a life and bring it to holiness. He knows that sometimes its going to be hard, that sometimes us humans will mess up. But that is the great thing about it, and I think where God takes his joy. He loves to see someone that is completely worthless and broken and failing become a world changer through His own power. So, there will be times of hardship or transition or whatever, but hey, God is still in control and he understands.
There will even be times where we don’t seem to be doing anything or are “failing.” Well, these times are normal and happen frequently. Even if people aren’t coming to know Christ through that person, God is still pleased. I think the important thing to God is if there is still desire, or a deep long, or something that is doing its best to follow Him and obey. That’s what makes God happy. God has promised to carry out the work he started in us until the day of completion. Ultimately, he is in control. We have chosen to follow Christ. He’s leading us along the narrow path. At times, we get tired, distracted, or fall down really hard, but Jesus is always right in front of us. When we cry out to Him for help, he never fails to lift us back up again. Sometimes he yanks us up pretty hard. And so, we continue along our journey in life with God. We don’t know the way. That’s his job. And the destination?

HOLINESS!

Therefore my dear friends, as you have always obeyed – not only in my presence but now much more in my absence – continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, FOR IT IS GOD WHO WORKS IN YOU TO WILL AND TO ACT ACCORDING TO HIS GOOD PURPOSE.
Philippians 2:12-13

christmas eve...

this past week has been a pretty tough one...dealing with a lot of confusion and feeling really out of control (which i am). there is just so much uncertainty to life, you know? like, at one point you feel you've got everything going for you and things are perfectly in line...and its exactly what God wants too. then, things get mixed up. you're totally out of control and don't know what is going to happen next. the way you saw things happening has just been thrown out the window and now there's something new, completely uncertain, and entirely confusing. that is my situation...vaguely.

i have spent the past few days wrestling with my thoughts and trying to let go of my plan. there's this internal struggle going on where i know that God has a plan, but i so want my way. it seems so much better right now, you know? it always does. but, it also always comes down to trust, just like any relationship. except in this one God demands a lot more, and our trust is well placed in him. so, he's telling me to trust him with this one...more than ever before. there's so much uncertainty surrounding it though. there's potential for disaster in this...and God's saying to do it his way?! well, what other choice do i have? and its the best one...its just so hard to do.


i haven't really gotten into the christmas spirit until tonight. this week i've been studying, and God has been revealing to me how his plan has always been Christ. and this holiday, at the core, is to celebrate Christ's coming. and if we think about it that way, its to celebrate God's love, our salvation, and Christ's sacrifice. so, tonight i was playing the piano for a while. i started of singing, "there is nothing like your love" - a song by united, but that's the only part i really know so i sang that over and over again. then i played "lord you have my heart"...classic. and then, this is where it really started to hit me. i played "the nails in your hands"...another classic. but, ah, the words are so powerful...and really so fitting for a night like tonight. let me show them to you:

"the nails in Your hands, the nails in Your feet, they tell me how much you love me.
the thorns on your brow, they tell me how you bore so much shame to love me.
and when the heavens pass away, all your scars will still remain. and forever they will say how much you love me. and all i want to say:
forever my love, forever my heart, forever my life is yours."

an old, familiar song, but the words are so powerful. its all about Christ's love - how he came down to earth, born to die. he had one mission - to save the world from their sin. he loved us that much. he humbled himself to be killed by his own creation so that those that killed him might receive life. and those thorns, those scars, the nail marks...they will forever remind us all of Christ's unfathomable love. the love that Christ gave demands our entire life - and all of our trust. who better to put all of your trust in than the one that has already given you everything! (2 peter 1:3).

after playing that song, i continued to play my favorite christmas song, and one of the few i like: "o come let us adore him." isn't it weird that our God came as a baby!? like, just think about it. God, the glorious, majestic creator of the universe, the one that we cannot possibly explain or understand, sent Christ as a baby. it would be weird for us as humans to bow down to any baby, because they don't know anything yet and aren't leaders of any kind. but then, to think that baby could be the savior of the world, the lover of our hearts. how strange, but awe-some.

Christ deserves all the praise, and we need to give it to him. Come, let us adore the king, come as a baby, born to save us from sin and call us into the glorious light. let us adore the one who loves us with an unfailing love. let us adore the one who will never leave us nor forsake us. let us adore the one from whom we have received every spiritual blessing. Come let us adore Christ the LORD!

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death -
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."

philippians 2:5-11