listen...

ah, i get it now. finally, i understand what God's been trying to tell me for the past few weeks. i have been pretty frustrated since school has started, because nothing seems to be going really well. its all kinda "good," but nothing that's really blow-you-away awesome. its all "good." sometimes it gets worse, but never better.

on saturday i did absolutely nothing for a long time and it was awesome. i turned on some music, read a few emails, and started to journal how i was feeling. i just felt so gross...and its not like my life is bad. its really good, especially compared to what other people have. its just that i know that i haven't been living life to the fullest, having that abundant life these past few weeks. things are going ok, but nothing is going like i had envisioned in the summertime. i want something more. and, while i was thinking and writing, God really just began to remind me of all he's been telling me. it finally hit me. i haven't been loving God. yeah, maybe it looks like it from the outside, and i have even been fooling myself. i began to think about the past, about last year and last summer especially. last year was tough. it was painful...but through it all, and even though things didn't make sense at times, i remained faithful to God. i sought him out trusting that although everything in my life was going wrong, knowing him was truly greater than anything else on this earth. i had to continually remind myself of what paul wrote in philippians 3 -

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection of the dead."

through it all last year I only wanted to be with God. i wanted to be a man after God's own heart, just like David, and i made that my prayer. even after the year was over and i had just gotten back from my trip to germany, the passion was still there. i was at a funeral, and they were singing the song "i can only imagine." i started crying, not because i missed the guy so much, but because i wanted to be with God so badly! i was that in love. even this summer that was still there. when i was in belize, i spent every moment thinking about him and trying to figure out what he was telling me. he was all that i had, and it was tough but so good just to know God.

now, 3 weeks after school has started, things are different. i feel like i've been trying to live out my "mission" and been way too focused on that. i've let my relationship fall to the wayside. and even though i've still been praying and reading and such, it has been with the wrong mindset. i was doing that only so that i could receive power to do the "mission." my motivation for coming to God wasn't to know him...it was to get something from him. ah, i'm ashamed. i'm so wretched and gross. i keep failing over and over and over again... what am i that God might take me back...again? i look back even upon these last few weeks of my life, and i can see how i have taken over, instead of seeing God work. i see my effort and my "strength" to lead and organize and think through stuff. it wasn't enough, it wasn't hardly anything compared to what God wants to do.

now, God's calling me to quit trying so hard. he wants my only desire to be to know him and to be with him. he wants me to just love him back. he wants me to gaze at his beatiful face and be fixated upon that glory, and obsessed with him. he wants me to be head over heels for him, to be recklessly abandoned to him, spent for his glory alone. and i want that too...i want to live a life where i'm giving everything i have for that one goal, to know God. i want it so badly. i just don't think i have what it takes. i don't think i can live like God wants. he knows that of course...he knows i'm not good enough. that's why he'll carry me to himself if only i ask for him to do so. that is why i make it my prayer only to know him, and that God would ignite within me once again that passionate desire to be with him. i want to be thinking about him every moment of every day. i want to be in love with him alone, because he's the one i'll spend eternity with. he's the one that gave all of himself for me...and i want to give all of myself for him. i want to do whatever it takes to know that "surpassing greatness" found in Christ Jesus.

that's what this life is all about right? that's what we were created for, to know God. that's where the abundant life is found. and, that's what i want to live for. Lord, work in me so that I would only love you, that i would be recklessly abandoned to you, if only i could spend a moment in your presence. help me to live every moment in that presence. help me to seek you with all that's within me. In Jesus' Name.
AMEN!