first one..

alright so, i have no clue who will be reading this or what, but the intention behind me doing this is twofold. first of all, i just need to get my thoughts out of my head sometimes because they tend to eat away at me. secondly, i hope that by me being real it may encourage someone else out there in the world to turn their eyes upon Christ and follow hard after him, whether they're just struggling in their walk with Him or they happen to not even know him. philippians 3:10 says "i want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection of the dead." that's it. that's my life right there. i want to know God no matter what it takes. he's my reason for living...and i'm convinced he's the only reason for any of us living. so, no matter what happens in my life, i've got to know God. that's the only place for me. i want to do whatever it takes to know him, and it's not by my effort that i'm going to know God more. its by his grace alone. its God who works in us to will and to act according to his good purpose. its him who draws us to himself. so all i can do is work out my faith, keep trying to do my best to follow God wherever he leads me. he's the one leading me to the place where i can be totally his, completely surrounded by his love. its a long, trecherous trail, but Christ is my guide and he'll do anything for me to get to that place. everything that happens in life happens for a purpose, and God works out everything for the good of those who love him. so no matter what happens in my life, its for a reason, and that reason is Christ. that's where i'm coming from i guess. God loves me so much that he'd die for me even though he knew that i wasn't good enough, knew that i'd hardly be able to love him back, but he still accepts it. he saved my life and i can't ever repay him. i'm completely abandoned to him. there's no other place for me.

lately things have been tough. i've had some ups and downs in a short period of time. last night i was really really down. this morning i was doing a lot better and today was good, but tonight i feel down again. i feel so stretched. i feel so alone. i feel like i can't cut it. i'm weak and unable to do anything right, but that's ok. God's been teaching me to come to him. he keeps reminding me of it, 3 times in the past couple weeks, because i'm too stubborn to get it. he knows i'm not the smartest...he knows that he's a little smarter than i am, and he's trying to get me to understand. if only i would come to him! if only i had the wisdom to seek after God first! what would happen? if my eyes were completely on Christ and i found no strength in myself but only in him, how much would my life change? ah so that's what God's trying to tell me. and its tough...because i don't even have the strength it seems to come to him. but, he'll work in me to change that. i know it. i just have to ask him to do it and he will...

"be still, come to me, give me your burden...let me do it"