"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. "
1 Peter 2:9-10
i read this passage this morning as i was sitting outside starbucks after meeting with matt smith. we've been meeting and it's been good to be challenged by him. the bad part about it is we meet at 6am...yeah. early. so, he had to go to school since he's a teacher and all, and i had about 20 minutes before i had to be at school. i was sitting there outside reading. i've been pretty busy lately, and i haven't had much time to really be with God. it seems like when i do get the chance i'm just not all there. last night i was thinking about it and as i was sitting on my bed i told God how i was feeling and that i needed some help. then, faithful as always, God answered my prayer. he's so good and he'll hear me even if its only for 10 minutes laying on my bed about ready to go to sleep. this morning was good.
anyways...matt was saying that its not about us at all. the good that is in us is just God shining through us. we're just sinners and messed up people who God has chosen to display his glory through. then i read this passage: "...a chosen people...that you might declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light..." i don't know why this stuck out to me so much, but i like it. we were once darkness. we were once messed up and broken, couldn't see because it was too dark around us. we were bumping into things, tripping over stuff, falling into holes that we couldn't see, and we didn't know any better. but, in the darkness we heard a voice. we heard God calling us. i like the word picture. we couldn't see, but we heard a voice and we had to choose whether or not we were going to trust that voice and follow it, or if we would continue to try and find our way on our own. so, if we've chosen to follow that voice, then he's called us into light. we're no longer in the dark. we aren't running into things anymore. we've got this light that shines through us that's guiding us. and its all about that light in us. on our own we don't shine. we don't have any light to give off. but, God has chosen to shine through us, and we only have to let him. as we go to the Source, our light burns brighter and brighter...
25 September 2006
listen...
ah, i get it now. finally, i understand what God's been trying to tell me for the past few weeks. i have been pretty frustrated since school has started, because nothing seems to be going really well. its all kinda "good," but nothing that's really blow-you-away awesome. its all "good." sometimes it gets worse, but never better.
on saturday i did absolutely nothing for a long time and it was awesome. i turned on some music, read a few emails, and started to journal how i was feeling. i just felt so gross...and its not like my life is bad. its really good, especially compared to what other people have. its just that i know that i haven't been living life to the fullest, having that abundant life these past few weeks. things are going ok, but nothing is going like i had envisioned in the summertime. i want something more. and, while i was thinking and writing, God really just began to remind me of all he's been telling me. it finally hit me. i haven't been loving God. yeah, maybe it looks like it from the outside, and i have even been fooling myself. i began to think about the past, about last year and last summer especially. last year was tough. it was painful...but through it all, and even though things didn't make sense at times, i remained faithful to God. i sought him out trusting that although everything in my life was going wrong, knowing him was truly greater than anything else on this earth. i had to continually remind myself of what paul wrote in philippians 3 -
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection of the dead."
through it all last year I only wanted to be with God. i wanted to be a man after God's own heart, just like David, and i made that my prayer. even after the year was over and i had just gotten back from my trip to germany, the passion was still there. i was at a funeral, and they were singing the song "i can only imagine." i started crying, not because i missed the guy so much, but because i wanted to be with God so badly! i was that in love. even this summer that was still there. when i was in belize, i spent every moment thinking about him and trying to figure out what he was telling me. he was all that i had, and it was tough but so good just to know God.
now, 3 weeks after school has started, things are different. i feel like i've been trying to live out my "mission" and been way too focused on that. i've let my relationship fall to the wayside. and even though i've still been praying and reading and such, it has been with the wrong mindset. i was doing that only so that i could receive power to do the "mission." my motivation for coming to God wasn't to know him...it was to get something from him. ah, i'm ashamed. i'm so wretched and gross. i keep failing over and over and over again... what am i that God might take me back...again? i look back even upon these last few weeks of my life, and i can see how i have taken over, instead of seeing God work. i see my effort and my "strength" to lead and organize and think through stuff. it wasn't enough, it wasn't hardly anything compared to what God wants to do.
now, God's calling me to quit trying so hard. he wants my only desire to be to know him and to be with him. he wants me to just love him back. he wants me to gaze at his beatiful face and be fixated upon that glory, and obsessed with him. he wants me to be head over heels for him, to be recklessly abandoned to him, spent for his glory alone. and i want that too...i want to live a life where i'm giving everything i have for that one goal, to know God. i want it so badly. i just don't think i have what it takes. i don't think i can live like God wants. he knows that of course...he knows i'm not good enough. that's why he'll carry me to himself if only i ask for him to do so. that is why i make it my prayer only to know him, and that God would ignite within me once again that passionate desire to be with him. i want to be thinking about him every moment of every day. i want to be in love with him alone, because he's the one i'll spend eternity with. he's the one that gave all of himself for me...and i want to give all of myself for him. i want to do whatever it takes to know that "surpassing greatness" found in Christ Jesus.
that's what this life is all about right? that's what we were created for, to know God. that's where the abundant life is found. and, that's what i want to live for. Lord, work in me so that I would only love you, that i would be recklessly abandoned to you, if only i could spend a moment in your presence. help me to live every moment in that presence. help me to seek you with all that's within me. In Jesus' Name.
AMEN!
on saturday i did absolutely nothing for a long time and it was awesome. i turned on some music, read a few emails, and started to journal how i was feeling. i just felt so gross...and its not like my life is bad. its really good, especially compared to what other people have. its just that i know that i haven't been living life to the fullest, having that abundant life these past few weeks. things are going ok, but nothing is going like i had envisioned in the summertime. i want something more. and, while i was thinking and writing, God really just began to remind me of all he's been telling me. it finally hit me. i haven't been loving God. yeah, maybe it looks like it from the outside, and i have even been fooling myself. i began to think about the past, about last year and last summer especially. last year was tough. it was painful...but through it all, and even though things didn't make sense at times, i remained faithful to God. i sought him out trusting that although everything in my life was going wrong, knowing him was truly greater than anything else on this earth. i had to continually remind myself of what paul wrote in philippians 3 -
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection of the dead."
through it all last year I only wanted to be with God. i wanted to be a man after God's own heart, just like David, and i made that my prayer. even after the year was over and i had just gotten back from my trip to germany, the passion was still there. i was at a funeral, and they were singing the song "i can only imagine." i started crying, not because i missed the guy so much, but because i wanted to be with God so badly! i was that in love. even this summer that was still there. when i was in belize, i spent every moment thinking about him and trying to figure out what he was telling me. he was all that i had, and it was tough but so good just to know God.
now, 3 weeks after school has started, things are different. i feel like i've been trying to live out my "mission" and been way too focused on that. i've let my relationship fall to the wayside. and even though i've still been praying and reading and such, it has been with the wrong mindset. i was doing that only so that i could receive power to do the "mission." my motivation for coming to God wasn't to know him...it was to get something from him. ah, i'm ashamed. i'm so wretched and gross. i keep failing over and over and over again... what am i that God might take me back...again? i look back even upon these last few weeks of my life, and i can see how i have taken over, instead of seeing God work. i see my effort and my "strength" to lead and organize and think through stuff. it wasn't enough, it wasn't hardly anything compared to what God wants to do.
now, God's calling me to quit trying so hard. he wants my only desire to be to know him and to be with him. he wants me to just love him back. he wants me to gaze at his beatiful face and be fixated upon that glory, and obsessed with him. he wants me to be head over heels for him, to be recklessly abandoned to him, spent for his glory alone. and i want that too...i want to live a life where i'm giving everything i have for that one goal, to know God. i want it so badly. i just don't think i have what it takes. i don't think i can live like God wants. he knows that of course...he knows i'm not good enough. that's why he'll carry me to himself if only i ask for him to do so. that is why i make it my prayer only to know him, and that God would ignite within me once again that passionate desire to be with him. i want to be thinking about him every moment of every day. i want to be in love with him alone, because he's the one i'll spend eternity with. he's the one that gave all of himself for me...and i want to give all of myself for him. i want to do whatever it takes to know that "surpassing greatness" found in Christ Jesus.
that's what this life is all about right? that's what we were created for, to know God. that's where the abundant life is found. and, that's what i want to live for. Lord, work in me so that I would only love you, that i would be recklessly abandoned to you, if only i could spend a moment in your presence. help me to live every moment in that presence. help me to seek you with all that's within me. In Jesus' Name.
AMEN!
21 September 2006
first one..
alright so, i have no clue who will be reading this or what, but the intention behind me doing this is twofold. first of all, i just need to get my thoughts out of my head sometimes because they tend to eat away at me. secondly, i hope that by me being real it may encourage someone else out there in the world to turn their eyes upon Christ and follow hard after him, whether they're just struggling in their walk with Him or they happen to not even know him. philippians 3:10 says "i want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death, and so, somehow to attain to the resurrection of the dead." that's it. that's my life right there. i want to know God no matter what it takes. he's my reason for living...and i'm convinced he's the only reason for any of us living. so, no matter what happens in my life, i've got to know God. that's the only place for me. i want to do whatever it takes to know him, and it's not by my effort that i'm going to know God more. its by his grace alone. its God who works in us to will and to act according to his good purpose. its him who draws us to himself. so all i can do is work out my faith, keep trying to do my best to follow God wherever he leads me. he's the one leading me to the place where i can be totally his, completely surrounded by his love. its a long, trecherous trail, but Christ is my guide and he'll do anything for me to get to that place. everything that happens in life happens for a purpose, and God works out everything for the good of those who love him. so no matter what happens in my life, its for a reason, and that reason is Christ. that's where i'm coming from i guess. God loves me so much that he'd die for me even though he knew that i wasn't good enough, knew that i'd hardly be able to love him back, but he still accepts it. he saved my life and i can't ever repay him. i'm completely abandoned to him. there's no other place for me.lately things have been tough. i've had some ups and downs in a short period of time. last night i was really really down. this morning i was doing a lot better and today was good, but tonight i feel down again. i feel so stretched. i feel so alone. i feel like i can't cut it. i'm weak and unable to do anything right, but that's ok. God's been teaching me to come to him. he keeps reminding me of it, 3 times in the past couple weeks, because i'm too stubborn to get it. he knows i'm not the smartest...he knows that he's a little smarter than i am, and he's trying to get me to understand. if only i would come to him! if only i had the wisdom to seek after God first! what would happen? if my eyes were completely on Christ and i found no strength in myself but only in him, how much would my life change? ah so that's what God's trying to tell me. and its tough...because i don't even have the strength it seems to come to him. but, he'll work in me to change that. i know it. i just have to ask him to do it and he will...
"be still, come to me, give me your burden...let me do it"
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